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and being comfortable showing who i am to the rest of the world, has been quite a journey for me. over the past six months i have been shown to be hopefully ignorant and willing to do whatever it takes to walk away with a big payday. the calls to sell our Mexican timeshare are still coming in, from the scammers, but having been burnt, not once, but twice, i know what to look for, when it comes time to send any money away. i had grandiose visions of becoming the “one” that would “sting” one of these bands of crooks, but law enforcement does not seem interested in making me their shill. instead i will be content to file BBB and Ripoff reports complaints. i do not know if i helped even one other person from falling into the same traps, but knowing that i have put the information out on the internet, i have done what i can. perhaps this afternoon i will file a couple more BBB complaints and move along.
coming back to who i was and who i am today, i had a weird dream last night. it revolved around the time when my ex-wife were separated and waiting for the time to tick-off to finish the divorce process. i was enjoying a “no strings” relationship of sorts and she could all worried about her past coming back to stalk her, i sent overt a friend to help her “feel safer,” while i was off on one of the wilderness adventures that were part of my life. when i came back, he had moved in, she had moved on, but had to have one more night to make sure that was the case. as a result of my “being who i was,” in other words, being there just for sex, she decided to call it off and headed off to treatment on the other side of the state. i ended up alone, and sad that i had lost my sex and drugs connection. in my dream last night, i finally got to see myself for what i was at that time, needy, dependent on others for outside validation and the sort of guy, who would do or say anything to get his nut off. more than a little prelude to the reading this morning. as i sat, i got to hear her words about me just using her for what she had and not really caring about her and i knew that even back then, that was the case. my experience had guided me to the principle that “nice” guys do not get what they want, and it was easier for me to show my “true” colors, rather than pretending to be that nice guy.
today on day three of no nicotine, i find myself thinking about the $1200 i will save next year and wondering if it is really worth it. each time i go there, i remember that i have an outside source of strength that has brought me this far, all i have to do is allow IT to continue to do so i am truly powerless over nicotine and i am willing to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give the strength to stay away from it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞