Blog entry for:

best to appear smarter, wealthier, or happier than i am, is a behavior i am very familiar with, even after a minute clean. one might also add, more spiritually fit and a model of the recovering addict to that litany of sins as well. learning to practice humility, at least for me, has been a long and drawn out process and one that was impeded by a lie i had transformed into the “TRUTH.” as i quieted my mind and sat this morning, what kept bubbling up from the deep dark depths was an unease about where i was going and what my identity was shaping up to be. i want to take my success at fantasy football as an indication that i am well on my way to becoming some sort of expert. the fact of the matter is, there is a whole lot of luck involved in that endeavor and very limited skill. if skill and knowledge played a larger role in that game, i would not be in first place, as i am just now becoming a journeyman rather that a novice. the fact is that i have built a decent team of players, who have the ability to generate scoring explosions at any time and those players have propelled me into the upper echelons of the leagues i play in, but at any time, i could stumble and fall.
the point of all of the above, is that when i place start placing my relative value on outside appearances, i am in danger of devaluing myself and ending up in a spot that will require even more work at appearing to be … this whole journey of “uncovery” has led me to a place of shock and awe, to use a tired and trite cliché. shock at how long it took me to pull my head out of my ass and acknowledge that an event in my childhood led to a lie that ruled my life and awe that after a minute of looking at that damage i can start to see that what i was trying to hide was more than likely some of my best features, rather than bugs. i certainly know i was the victim, way back when, but i no longer need to be victimized by it. i am grateful that i had the presence of mind to start my retreat from FaceBook, even if it means that fewer of my “friends” will take the time to read what i write. perhaps some day i will once again “grace” my wall in FaceBook, with links to this daily exercise, but for the time being, for my sanity, it is better for me not to engage on that platform.
today, as at the crack of dawn as it were, i am quite content with not knowing who does or does not read what i write. the fact of the matter is, my history is readily available with a few clicks of the mouse and a saved location. for those who choose to remain dependent on the kindness of others to navigate the interwebs, well that is a choice they make and for me, their eyeballs are not what this addict “needs” to feel confident in who he is and who he is becoming. just for today, i am okay with who i am, regardless of how smart, wealthy, healthy or spiritually fit i may or may not appear to be. it is a good day to let go of what i think others think of me and do whatever happens to be the next right thing, which right here and right now will probably be a workout.

∞ DT ∞