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that knowledge and acceptance seems a long time coming for this addict. well i probably should rephrase that last statement, the knowledge of who i am has been presented to me, actually spoon fed to me over the course of my recovery, as i became ready to acquire that knowledge. the acceptance and the integration of that knowledge into my heart has been the very slow part of this process. after all, the last thing i wanted to really know was how fucked-up i really am! what i want and what i need are really to separate things as i ruminated about yesterday, true humility is something i NEED but may not necessarily want. i do need to know who i am, and the part of me i call my disease does not want any balance, so i trick myself into thinking that i have no assets or attributes that are positive. that is the whole point of truly accepting who i am, my warts are so obvious to me, that there are times i wonder why anyone would ever want to be around me. it is my shining light that the part of me i call my disease wants to hide under a barrel, or on the flip side blow up way out of proportion. learning how to balance the good and the bad in my self-image, is what i really think humility is all about. the process of coming to believe that i am just another human being, recovering from the ravages of active addiction and accepting that i have defects and assets, just like everyone else, feels long and arduous to me, at least some days. today however, i am okay with myself, i actually turned down a new project, accepted that i have been working far too hard at being a success, and perhaps i need to back-off a bit from what i commit to, at least in my professional life. and that entire line of thought is a step in the right direction along the path to true humility.

∞ DT ∞