Blog entry for:

meant nothing to me now have deeper meaning or better put, i really did not give much of a flying fVck about anyone or what they were going through, when i came to recovery. it was all about me and if one did not fit into some neat little box that i constructed for them, they they were not worthy to be in my company. this is not hyperbole, but if one had confronted me about this, way back when, i would have simply said that is how i am, get over it and never thought about what was said, ever again. i was cold and judgemental fish back in the day and i did not instantly thaw the second i got clean or when i decided to come to recovery. i was pissed off about being directed under punishment of law, to stay clean and jealous of those who came into the rooms, simply because they had had enough. needless to say i was not winning any friends or influencing any people, back in those dark days, but i did stay clean. i guess that was good enough to get me in the door.
as i stayed clean, worked a few steps and got past my denial of who and what i was, i began to allow myself to open up and listen to what others were trying to tell me about themselves and their take on life the universe and everything. at first, it was confusing to me, because of that stuff i judged to be way out in left field. that was always the issue for me, the judgement machine. as i grew up in recovery, that nasty little tidbit, got tempered by spiritual principles and even though it is still part and parcel of who i am, i have learned to take what pops out with a grain of salt and seek evidence to bolster or diminish my theory. nine times out of ten, it is latter and i need to revise my theory based of the preponderance of my newly found evidence. what that has also fostered is a life where i allow others the benefit of the doubt and make an attempt to see things through their eyes. that even include those who have been brainwashed by their echo chambers. i am quite sure not all of them a racist and misogynistic assholes, it is up to me to allow them to show who they are, as i learn to understand them as well as i get those in my own echo chamber.
it is time, however, to put this to bed and get showered off and ready to face my day. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to live in a judgement free zone, in here and now. i can open myself up to understanding others, just for today.

∞ DT ∞