Blog entry for:

i will have FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery and continue on the journey of recovery.
ironically, most of what i heard this morning was the voices of those who have been around the program for years on end, and yet have failed to get anything from all that experience. one is a sponsee, who is currently a guest of the Boulder County Sheriff, the other made a trip through an institution at the end of his last run. both are so similar in temperament and behavior they could be brothers and both remind me, that i cannot stay clean, much less recover, when i rely on outside things to fix me. the mirror that they hold up to me,. is one that i hate to look at, as it reveals where i could quite easily go.
it is sort of humorous, that someone was blaming their disrespect and aggression on lack of sleep and detoxing, asking me to cut them some slack, because maybe i had forgotten what it was like. he was right i have forgotten what it was like, but it should certainly be fresh in his head, and he said he forgot how awful it was, even though less, than two years ago, he was right where he is today.
i DO NOT have to go through withdrawals, because i ACCEPT what i am, and where that “just one beer” will take me. i could spin it, twist it and generally make things as murky as possible, BUT i am no different than the thousands of recovering addicts who have tried that experiment and ended up dead or if they were lucky, locked up. i am no different from the thousands of recovering addicts, who do this gig on a daily basis and get the relief from active addiction. nor am i any different from the thousands of abstinent addicts, who merely survive on sheer willpower, dreading each day as they face another without the use of drugs or sumthin' to get them through the day. i have been in all three states and i prefer the thriving in active recovery state, which means that i have to live my FAITH today. those other two guys? well, i hope that this time they get it. based on what i am hearing and seeing, well i have been known to be wrong more than once, so perhaps i am mistaken once again. what i want is for everyone to get what i have been given, because i know it is possible for them as well. they are no different than me, and if someone like me, who came with a contempt for all that is spiritual can learn to grow some FAITH, than anyone can be a part of the recovering few.
anyhow, time to hit the shower and head on over to work, to deal with the fallout from Friday, bloody Friday!

∞ DT ∞