Blog entry for:
Wed, May 15, 2013 07:43:49 AM
# i find that i just may be afraid that when i examine #
posted: Wed, May 15, 2013 07:43:49 AM
my actions and motives, i can only find a bottomless black pit of selfishness and hatred.
well, the current theme stops on my entry from yesterday. what is, is and what will be, well that chapter has yet to be written. as i shared last night, i finally figured out why i had this nagging doubt about my actions, and what it comes down to is: that i want to look good, and not picking up the bullsh!t someone else was offering, looks like i am some sort of selfish, self-centered a$$hole. maintaining appearances and looking better than i am, well that is a very familiar and yes ancient behavior, from way before i ever used the first time and is only being relived through the process of the steps.
when i do something healthy, such as saying no that is not my stuff nor is it my job, a part of me screams, that is not the right thing to do, now i have diminished myself in the eyes of someone else. after all, this whole life gig is based on looking great and hiding the real me, deep inside so no one, absolutely no one, can ever reach out and touch me and end up hurting me. saying no, kind of feels like back-sliding into withdrawal from the real world. what is actually happening is i am moving into reality, after all, it is quite impossible to be all things to all people and the effort to try and do so, is far beyond what i am willing to expend today.
as i allow the SEVENTH STEP process to work me over, i am finding that becoming willing and humbly asking are so deeply entwined, i can see why some fellowships treat them as a single step. for me, i see them as two parts of a single process, destroying the road blocks that prevent me from becoming the man i have always wanted to be. one of those roadblocks is my need to look so much better than everyone else, when actually i think i am so much worse. i see that today and as i walk through this day, i will focus on the goal, rather than the obstacles. i will allow the obstacles to be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery as become whole, genuine and self-assured, just for today.
well, the current theme stops on my entry from yesterday. what is, is and what will be, well that chapter has yet to be written. as i shared last night, i finally figured out why i had this nagging doubt about my actions, and what it comes down to is: that i want to look good, and not picking up the bullsh!t someone else was offering, looks like i am some sort of selfish, self-centered a$$hole. maintaining appearances and looking better than i am, well that is a very familiar and yes ancient behavior, from way before i ever used the first time and is only being relived through the process of the steps.
when i do something healthy, such as saying no that is not my stuff nor is it my job, a part of me screams, that is not the right thing to do, now i have diminished myself in the eyes of someone else. after all, this whole life gig is based on looking great and hiding the real me, deep inside so no one, absolutely no one, can ever reach out and touch me and end up hurting me. saying no, kind of feels like back-sliding into withdrawal from the real world. what is actually happening is i am moving into reality, after all, it is quite impossible to be all things to all people and the effort to try and do so, is far beyond what i am willing to expend today.
as i allow the SEVENTH STEP process to work me over, i am finding that becoming willing and humbly asking are so deeply entwined, i can see why some fellowships treat them as a single step. for me, i see them as two parts of a single process, destroying the road blocks that prevent me from becoming the man i have always wanted to be. one of those roadblocks is my need to look so much better than everyone else, when actually i think i am so much worse. i see that today and as i walk through this day, i will focus on the goal, rather than the obstacles. i will allow the obstacles to be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery as become whole, genuine and self-assured, just for today.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
∞ a bottomless black pit of selfishness and hatred ∞ 243 words ➥ Monday, May 15, 2006 by: donnot↔ on a bad day, i may think that my faults are worse than those of anyone else ↔ 315 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2007 by: donnot
δ i can only change what i acknowledge and understand. Δ 403 words ➥ Thursday, May 15, 2008 by: donnot
Δ rather than continuing to fear what is buried inside me Δ 631 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2009 by: donnot
§ i can be terrified to look at myself, to probe my inside § 681 words ➥ Saturday, May 15, 2010 by: donnot
¯ as i approach the FOURTH step, i can be afraid ¯ 782 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2011 by: donnot
δ i fear what i do not know δ 341 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2012 by: donnot
µ if i could read the minds of my peers in recovery, µ 613 words ➥ Thursday, May 15, 2014 by: donnot
º most of us, including me º 667 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2015 by: donnot
⋋ if released, ⋌ 910 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2016 by: donnot
⚀ no better ⚀ 553 words ➥ Monday, May 15, 2017 by: donnot
🌢 examining my 🌣 598 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2018 by: donnot
🎱 a bottomless 💀 529 words ➥ Wednesday, May 15, 2019 by: donnot
😨 fear 😱 472 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2020 by: donnot
🌚 the full light 🌞 517 words ➥ Saturday, May 15, 2021 by: donnot
👹 a monster inside 👿 278 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2022 by: donnot
🔬 i can 🔭 469 words ➥ Monday, May 15, 2023 by: donnot
🌊 finding a new 🌋 560 words ➥ Wednesday, May 15, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
2) All things depend on it for their production, which it gives to
them, not one refusing obedience to it. When its work is accomplished,
it does not claim the name of having done it. It clothes all things
as with a garment, and makes no assumption of being their lord;--it
may be named in the smallest things. All things return (to their root
and disappear), and do not know that it is it which presides over
their doing so;--it may be named in the greatest things.