Blog entry for:

or take away my painful feelings, but just knowing that i am loved and cared about makes my problems bearable. well it has been quite the morning, up late, home group, bad news and now a computer that is just sick and i am out of hours to make it better. i know i had it perfect 2 weeks ago, and now it is broken once again and i am about to wipe it clean and start over again, sometimes that is the only way to fix what knowing users do to these machines. intractable problems, hardly. certainly not enough to make me want to use or anything like that. frustrating, YES! not worth worrying my not so pretty head over. yes this week has been one for the books and i am certainly glad that the weekend is here and so is my brand new 24 inch monitor. yeah my reaction to pain was to go out and buy me something!
what i heard this morning, in the brief moment i was able to shut-down that internal dialog was that i am loved and cared for and that when i reach a point of frustration or pain, due to any sort of problems, intractable or otherwise, there are a whole group of people that have my back. what brought that on, was thinking back to the missive from hell, as i still fondly call it, and how that person could not relate to the people in the rooms, all they could see was the hypocrisy and how could one trust a bunch of hypocrites. it is growth and change that makes that group seem unreliable, as what was once acceptable for them, is no longer acceptable today. that lack of constancy, at least in that regard, is a good thing. asking someone in recovery to bring sumthin' to take the edge off, and expecting them to show up when it is convenient for me, is not an expectation i have today. i am no longer the master of the universe, wherever i happen to see it from, and as a result the rules of my interaction appear to change, when in reality they are not. it is my perception that is suspect not the group i am judging. those people, as i have heard those on the edge call them, are here for me. yesterday they were here for me, before i learned to trust them. today they are here for me, even when i am acting out. most importantly they will be here for me again tomorrow, as long as i stay clean and allow them to be a part of my life. when disaster strikes, they will give me the comfort i need. more importantly i can provide the same service for them, because today i want to be part of something more, part of the pack that has each other's backs.

∞ DT ∞