Blog entry for:

can be made bearable by talking to a friend.
as i prepare to start working on a job, i really do not like, i am doing all that i can to distract myself. my intractable problem? well now that i am writing this, it seems so petty and pitiful, that i do not even want to write about it. this is an instance of something in my life, for which i could be grateful for, and instead i dread getting started.
WAH -- WAH -- WAH!
at least i have a well paying job, doing stuff i like to do. the gratitude i feel for that is overwhelming. than the addict part of me kicks in with a very big BUT! i want to like the people i work with and that is difficult because i have never met most of them. i want to feel useful and that is hard because the task i am engaged in, is going to need to be redone in January. most of all, i want to feel like i am part of something that is growing, and right now if feel like a very small cog in a very large machine that is going nowhere very quickly.
an intractable life problem? not really. what i have is an attitude problem and one that i can shift by focusing on the program, i have been ignoring for the past few weeks. when i start to shift my focus, i see how insane my thinking has become and how addiction has taken over. i want MORE and even when i get MORE, it is not enough. i currently have more work than i can do and i do not want to do anything but whine about all sorts of stuff i do have power over and choose not to exercise it, the power that is. what i am doing is look the gift of full-time in its face and say yes but. when i start to really get down to it, i can see STEPS ONE through THREE, finally coming into play. yes i am powerless over addiction and my life is unmanageable, in respect to what i do to earn a living. the insanity of having something and more on the side and still not having enough is crippling me. so i NEED to surrender that part of my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and let go.
so where does that leave me today? getting started on the work i have been struggling to complete over the past few days. more importantly, i can focus on what is important, that my life is better today than i could ever imagined it to be, and that is BECAUSE i choose a program of recovery to in spite of it. so the time has come to change keyboards and screens and do the next right thing, which is do what i am getting paid to do! it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞