Blog entry for:

who care, BECAUSE i am learning on how to be a friend who cares. yes i know the reading was all about intractable problems and how to live with them. sometimes it feel that being a social f*cktard is exactly that for me. i want to dismiss the diagnosis i got way back when i was just getting clean, about having panic disorder, but over the years, it feels more and more correct. is it really an “intractable problem,” with no end in sight? maybe. but it is certainly something that staying clean and learning how to live this program of recovery has reduced to a manageable level, in my unmanageable life. i know that when i arrived in the rooms, i had decided it was safer to keep all of those who insisted in being in my life, at arm's length. the story i told myself was ALL humans were inherently untrustworthy and out to “get me.” if i kept myself isolated, at least on an emotional level, i might get beat-up or scammed, but i could prevent the “real” hurt. living life as an emotional “outsider” meant hiding my pain and pretending to be whoever i needed to be, to get what i wanted. the result of believing that story was that by the time oi got clean, all i could do, is emulate friendship, compassion and caring.
skipping over the days between then and now, today i no longer have to emulate feelings or apologize for being something i am not. even though i remain socially anxious at times and prefer a book or a computer game to any crowd, i am able to step out of my shell and be something more than that angry, judgemental f*cktard that walked into the rooms a few days ago. one of the traits that have learned is how to listen. the people who trust me are not necessarily seeking my advice when they are speaking about their problems. my behavior of offering up unsolicited advice was part of that wall i built to protect myself from everyone else. if all anyone got from me was solutions rather than compassion or empathy, they stopped speaking about what was really going on in their lives and my mission was accomplished as i got to withdraw, that much more. even though i may still be leery about being a person who cares about his friends. recovery has taught me that being alone allows me time to negotiate with the part of me i call addiction. when i get into that company, i am certain to lose, as more times than not, that part of me screams that all of this, is for naught, ignoring the evidence of the life that has been created out of who i was. yup the story of doing just enough to get by and settling for second place, is still one that comes up on a daily basis.
today, i choose to let go and see how my day plays out. i may not be the model of a recovering addict, but i am certainly not the caricature of a using one, just for today.

∞ DT ∞