Blog entry for:

unresolved problems.
there certainly seems to be at least two types in the rooms: those who persevere no matter what, and those who use at the drop of a hat. i know members, who have gone through one or more of the situations listed in the reading and managed to stay clean. then there are the dilettantes, who seem to use every time they have some sort of feeling, that they perceived is negative, is it any wonder that myself and my peers, seem to take them less and less seriously over time, especially as they become more and more involved in their active addiction: using in our houses, lying about going to work, making excuses for why they cannot pay their bills, hitting on the newest members, hiding out in fellowships where no one knows them and just being all around douche-bags. i get it, it is tiresome and scary when everyone who once trusted and welcomed you, says no more! i sucks that that you cannot walk into a room and not see someone you have screwed over in the very recent past. all of that aside, running away, is not going to change any of that, you are still going to be the same douche-bag where ever you go, just a new set of people to screw over.
okay, i guess i needed to get that little bit of vomit out this morning. just a final say before i come back from the gutter, BEING LONELY IS NO EXCUSE TO USE!
what exactly does “never alone, never again,” mean to me, as that is what i heard this morning. for me, i see it as i NEVER have to bear the pain of life, no matter how huge or trivial, again, by myself. because i choose to be a part of this fellowship and work on being present for my peers, they reciprocate, when i need similar care. i really do not think it is a QUID PRO QUO, thing either. i think they truly care, because i truly care. just as at one time, i was quite assured all recovering addicts were frauds, because i was a fraud, taking tokens of clean time and using when ever i could get away with it. i feel the pain of my peers and friends, and want to relieve them of the burden of carrying it alone. i also know, that when the day comes, i end up with intractable life problems, or am just hurting in there here and now, i can rely on them, to provide me the care and comfort that i need. i have FAITH that no matter what, i have the means of softening my landing, when things go south and that i need not use, because i am not satisfied with how my life is going. today, i do not NEED not run away into chemical bliss, because things are not going my way, because i have the means, and the resources to handle what life throws at me. i have a program of recovery, a POWER that fuels my recovery and a fellowship of those who care about me, what else do i need? well a $100,000,000.00 would be nice! 😉

∞ DT ∞