Blog entry for:

vigilant in the here and now was once something that i confused with an abject fear of relapse. i was among the walking wounded of my peers, who thought of relapse as some sort of boogie man lurking behind every corner, ready to take me down without warning and for no reason at all. that irrational fear kept me clean until i saw that i actually had a choice and could recover in the welcoming arms of the fellowship that has become my home, but the cost of living in that FEAR was a constant anxiety and an unceasing train of thoughts second-guessing my every thought, feeling and inaction. i am grateful that i have grown beyond living in that manner.
moving into the here and now, today being vigilant does not mean that i live under the shadow of relapse any more. do not get me wrong, i still have a healthy fear of relapse, but i am of the opinion that IF i live a program of active recovery on a daily basis, my odds of relapsing certainly are diminished. i really am puzzled by how many of my peers allow their programs to slide into complacency, when doing the next right thing as part of my daily routine has become second nature to me. i pay attention to what is going on inside of me, as well as what is happening around me. when i feel “off,” i seek answers from my trusted friends, peers and family members. when i find myself reacting rather than responding, i pause and take a spot inventory of my thoughts and feelings. i do none of that perfectly, but i do it well enough to live in a state of vigilance, in the present tense and i need not disparage the efforts i take on a daily basis to live a life in recovery.
i do need to get a little bit of a workout in, before i go to the dentist this morning, i know that when i take care of my physical and spiritual self, the mental and emotional self gets cared for, as well. as i tour the neighborhood this morning, slowly and with purpose, i will remember that i have a purpose in life, even if i am unclear to what it may be. i have goals and i have aspirations. IF i want to reach all of my potential, i will do my best to exercise vigilance and be okay if i slip up a bit and miss something important, after all, i am only human.

∞ DT ∞