๐ alone with my pain ๐
Posted: Mon, Nov 2, 2020 07:48:04 AM
pain shared is pain lessened, is the message i have heard for quite a while. it was a difficult concept for me to accept, because over and over and over again, i was taught that real men do not let the world know that they are in pain. stoicism was what i was taught to emulate and even though i have been clean for a few days in a row, that paradigm still bubbles up to the surface, preventing me from letting anyone else in. as i listened to my heart this morning, i see that is part of the lie i have based my identity upon and is still keeping me from enjoying the full measure of my recovery.
it is easy for me to be “there” for someone else, after all, as i came out of the haze of selfish, self-obsession, and allowed myself to be empathetic rather that sympathetic, i saw that giving my time and my shoulder to someone else was something that made me feel ‥better.” i also began to see that for the most part, my peers, my friends and my family respected that no matter what “image” i tried to portray, that when i was hurting, i was incapable of pretending that everything was okay. feeling F.vcked-up, I.nsecure, N.eurotic, and E.motional was a state that i share with just about the whole human race. allowing others to help me through those seemingly never-ending crises that define my life was a task that i could undertake. i am far from perfect at doing so, and i know that making progress is the key to accepting where i am today, but DAMMIT all, i want to do this perfectly.
as i prepare to hit the streets this morning, i can be grateful for how far i have come. i can share with others, what is really going on, without chiding myself as being weak and feeble. the problems i am living with these days are pretty minor. sure my parents are not aging well, i have six months to find a new position and i am less than happy with being on-call every four weeks. i can sweep all of that under the carpet of “life on life's terms,” or accept that as how my life looks today and do what i can to make my life just a little bit better, it is after all a great day to live a program of active recovery and allow others into that life, so they can give me what i need.
it is easy for me to be “there” for someone else, after all, as i came out of the haze of selfish, self-obsession, and allowed myself to be empathetic rather that sympathetic, i saw that giving my time and my shoulder to someone else was something that made me feel ‥better.” i also began to see that for the most part, my peers, my friends and my family respected that no matter what “image” i tried to portray, that when i was hurting, i was incapable of pretending that everything was okay. feeling F.vcked-up, I.nsecure, N.eurotic, and E.motional was a state that i share with just about the whole human race. allowing others to help me through those seemingly never-ending crises that define my life was a task that i could undertake. i am far from perfect at doing so, and i know that making progress is the key to accepting where i am today, but DAMMIT all, i want to do this perfectly.
as i prepare to hit the streets this morning, i can be grateful for how far i have come. i can share with others, what is really going on, without chiding myself as being weak and feeble. the problems i am living with these days are pretty minor. sure my parents are not aging well, i have six months to find a new position and i am less than happy with being on-call every four weeks. i can sweep all of that under the carpet of “life on life's terms,” or accept that as how my life looks today and do what i can to make my life just a little bit better, it is after all a great day to live a program of active recovery and allow others into that life, so they can give me what i need.
∞ DT ∞