Some memes

for me, i do not have to navigate life on my own, i have trusted friends, family members and peers, who can support and guide me through the curve-balls life throw at me. it is not as if my life is dominated moving from one crisis to another, in fact, for the most part, my life is pretty damn good. it is true, i am having a whole bunch of identity issues as i navigate through retirement and learning to allow myself to be myself. these days i get to be the support, rather than get support and for me, that is something way different as well.
when i was still hiding out and even after i started to emerge from the shadow of the lie that defined who i was for most of my life, it seemed very few of those in my life trusted that i would be there for them in their time of need. the few that did trust me, were either related by blood or among the men that call me their sponsor and even some of them seemed hesitant at times to open up. as i began to be more open as to who and what i am, it seemed that the world around me changed. i do not know whether or not those around me sensed a change in my vulnerability level, or if it was always there and i just did not notice it. the latter makes sense, as if i am hiding, chances are i think everyone else is also hiding as well. what i do know, is that after some time clean and working through the stuff that kept me hiding in the shadows, i am starting to see my life filling with folks who seem to be able to ask me fro support when they need to find the strength to get through another day clean.
this morning, as i started my day, i was certain that i was going to run, before going to work. i read the news and dressed as if that was the case, by the time i arrived home after taking Daisy for her morning constitutional, that resolve was gone. that is not necessarily a bad thing, but i was a bit put off by how my resolve to work out drained away into the desire to get this exercise completed. perhaps, i was actually listening to my body or actually feeling my way to the next correct thing to do. i know that this afternoon i will be able to get out and about and get the desired miles under my running shoes, especially since tomorrow is all twisted up with medical tests and commitments. that is just part of being me and i have to accept that IF i want to live a full life, i have to follow medical advice as well as the guidance of those who love, support and cherish me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞