Blog entry for:

i have developed in the POWER that fuels my recovery just by asking.
first off, on this the national holiday about gratitude, which more often than not gets swept aside by crass commercialism, i can express my gratitude that just for today, i have a life that is worth building and fostering. although there are times when i see no HOPE, at least in the lives of others, i have to reach out to that POWER and find the HOPE in mine.
after my 45 minutes of totally wasted time on Tuesday evening, i have been sidetracked from what is going on in my life. today, of all days, it is important for me to acknowledge the decision that i made all those days ago, and continue to make today. the one thing that my friend, the using addict said the other night was although this works for me, it has not and more than likely will not work for him. he is stuck on the impetus of my recovery and not on what has happened since. it is quite true, that it was the justice system that forced that first decision to stay clean, no matter what. he is mistaken in that is what keeps me clean today, as his consequences continue to pile up and do not allow him the FREEDOM to make any sane or rational decisions. he is stuck on the treadmill of use, abstinence, shame and degradation, that i was once on. even though my first decision to surrender my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER, was shallow and lacked any conviction, at least i went through the motions that allowed me this life i have come to love. i chose the fork in the road, that led me on this amazing journey. even today i have my struggles, especially when trying reconcile what i feel, with what the rest of my peers seem to express, when it comes to their vision of what a HIGHER POWER is, and how that POWER works in their lives. my sponse asked me to begin to consider what the payoff is for when i become “grumpy” about meetings. i have yet to find a good answer about that, and right now it does not matter. what matters is that i learn tho feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. right now, it is important that i have a POWER that i CAN surrender my will and my life into the care of, and be comfortable doing so. as i walk through the ELEVENTH STEP, i am certain that much more will be revealed. there are currents of certainly interesting times circulating through my life, and when i think about where i was, i can be grateful that is not where i am going again, at least not today.
my friend? well i have put a time frame on how long i will wait for his decision. the clock, it be a-ticking, and as i walk through this day of gratitude, i can only wonder what his day is like. even in my dankest and darkest days, i still had a place to go on Thanksgiving. i had a home i was tolerated in and i could put aside my NEED to get high, long enough to express the joy for what i still has left. being empty and alone, was so normal for me, i forget what it may be like for someone else. the impetus i had to get clean, has long been removed from my life, and i am not willing to return to a life that has that consequence. it is true, i have the ability to get high. legal means are quite available to me, as well as more than one phone number of a peer who is no longer clean, that would be more than willing to sell me something else, for a price. i know today, the first one will not be free, ever again, whether i pay for it or not with the coin of the realm, there are more costs than i am ready to pay, for that moment of escape and bliss. today i will accept that bliss, like respect is earned by doing what i say i will do, being constant and living my life in integrity, just for today.

Have an Excellent Thanksgiving one and all.

∞ DT ∞