Blog entry for:

to where i am being led, although most of the time, i am quite oblivious to that direction. case in point, my weekend getaway. twenty years ago, om Black Friday, one of my grandmothers, died. at the time i had forty plus days clean and got my first experience with how to deal with my feelings, without the use of substances to numb or or change the way i felt. truthfully, it sucked, but i came out clean and managed to move along with my life. a year later, i went with my family to spread her remains over a particular overlook in the local foothills that she liked to stop at, every single time we took that route to Estes Park. thew day was wrapped up, with lunch at her favorite restaurant and needless to say, at just over one year clean, i was the designated driver on the journey home. my family continued that tradition for several years, while i stopped going, not being a huge fan of infinite memorial remembrances and due to the fact that in that first year, i made an amends to my Gringa. i had the closure i needed to move on.
it has been a bit of time, since i last thought of that whole set of feelings attached to this particular weekend, as i have really moved on. Thursday, i chose to drive that route on our way to Estes Park, Saturday we ate at that restaurant and it was not until Saturday night, that i realized i had made conscious choices that were part of a family tradition that has withered and died on the vine. that context was revealed to me, as part of my daily inventory and that night i got to honor my Gringa as my last act of the day. it took two whole days to unearth those feelings, take them out of the vault, into which i had them safely stored away and feel the pain of her passing. i miss her still today, and yet i know for certain, that her passing was a blessing for her, as she never wanted to end up in a long-term care facility, mumbling to herself and unable to control her basic functions. that was her trajectory and it was a very quick slide into the sort of existence that she feared the most. i saw her that week, in her “home” and she was truly miserable about what she had become and today, as i revisit that particular time in my life, i feel all sorts of feelings that are difficult to sort out and label, so i will just sit with them and move on.
was this some sort of “sign” from GOD? i do not know, nor do i care. what i do know is that i NEED to honor the memory of my Gringa, by feeling those feelings that i dropped into a place, so long ago. i need to celebrate what she gave me and what i took from her. she got to see my very early recovery, such as it was, and i feel grateful for that. she did not get to see, what i have become, which i have more than a few regrets about. i believe that some of the events i foster in my life, appear to be random but are actually me creating the opportunities to sense something greater than myself. those are when i am following the path that the POWER that fuels my recovery, is illuminating for me. this morning as i trip out the door towards work, i can be grateful that i no longer am causing the harm and damage i once did in my life and honor those who have gone before me by being the best person i can be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞