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my needs will be met is once again one of those **sticky wickets** sort of concepts. as a MAJOR control freak, even after a day or three clean, letting go and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, is still a leap of FAITH that i cringe at making on a daily basis. one might come to the conclusion that my FAITH is limited or that i have an inadequate concept of a HIGHER POWER, and those are certainly among the ideas i consider when i get to the part of my day when of making that DECISION. the simple fact of the matter is, i have never been comfortable with the whole concept of a HIGHER POWER and although that concept is part of who i am today, i still chafe under the yoke of dependency upon that POWER. without a little bit of FAITH, is is hard for me to trust and trust is not something that comes easily to me.
sitting here, i just changed my mind about the direction this little exercise was going to take. i am not good at asking for help, never have been and perhaps i never will be. a HUGE part of my identity is tied up on being independent and capable of doing for myself. despite the preponderance of evidence to the contrary, even when i walked into the rooms, i was moire than certain that i did not need any “help” and certainly not from a discorporate being that took a personal interest in my well-being. it was hared enough for me to accept help from my peers, let alone from a HIGHER POWER. if i learned anything over my fifteen year journey of coming to believe, it is that i may not be helpless, but i certainly DO need a shit-ton of help, every single day. i may want to live in a fantasy world where i am the all and powerful OZ. but the reality is that behind all the smoke and mirrors i put up, there is a very human man, living in the FEAR that today i will not get what i needs, even if i am clueless about what those needs may be.
something i do NEED this morning, is a bit of a workout, as the amount of calories i consumed yesterday was way beyond what i burned off before the mini-feasts i attended. it is a good day to be clean. it is a great day to allow myself the FREEDOM to be freed from the crap i have thought i have needed to carry, for all these years. it is even a better day to have a bit of FAITH and trust the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, even though it is one of the scariest things i may do today. life is not too shabby and although i like peeking at it form the darker and gloomier side, maybe i can be okay seeing a bit of sunshine of the gifts i have received, just for today.

∞ DT ∞