Blog entry for:

the decision to ask for help from the POWER that fuels my recovery, is my greatest source of strength and courage. although this recovery gig has not been an easy one, it certainly has been interesting. before i really get going, i need to acknowledge a clean time anniversary:

BRANDI W
ONE YEAR CLEAN
GREAT JOB AND KEEP COMING BACK!

the irony of the topic of this reading and where i am in my recovery is quite inescapable. although i know that these entries are generic enough for any addict in recovery to find something to apply to their program day after day, there are times when the focus FEELS so narrow that they wrote this book just for me.
today just happens to be one of those mornings. although the reading goes on and on about acts of FAITH and renewing my FAITH, what struck me was the bell it rang inside of me about moving in FAITH. honestly, the little FAITH i have these days, is the direct result of SEEING the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery in action. it is because i have sough and actually found evidence of that work across the course of my life, my active addiction and most of all my recovery. i know that working a FEAR based program has kept me clean for all these days. i also know that sort of program is coming to the point where it no longer sustains me and the process set into motion when i worked my last ELEVENTH STEP is finally coming to a head -- namely the removal of FEAR as my main motivation to stay clean and work the program and its replacement with FAITH. as i sit here this morning, for the first time since sitting down with my sponsor several weeks ago, i am finally beginning to feel a bit of HOPE, that i can and will be able to do what it takes to move into this new sort of program. i can see that the work i have done to date has prepared me for this transformation. as one piece of literature states to every thing there is a season, and the season for the metamorphosis of my recovery program is upon me. the real question for me then comes down to whether or not i will be able to release my old ideas and notions, reevaluate them in the light of the new understanding i am coming to believe and move forward. or will i revert to form and clamp down on any sort of change that suggests that i am becoming less rational, astute and intelligent. returning to STEP ONE, am i really powerless over the years of social conditioning i have received, or can i surrender to it and allow my new understanding to be merged into what i thought i was, to become something greater than the sum of those parts?
that is where FAITH comes in. i am coming to believe that even though the POWER that fuels my recovery has been released from the constraints i put upon IT, there are still some strings i have yet to cut. to move into STEP THREE in FAITH, requires i cut those final ties and allow that POWER to work in my life, accepting without doubt, that work is part of the journey that i am on, and that journey is taking to a place where i have always wanted to be. i am not quite there this morning, but i am getting closer and in the calculus of my recovery, as i approach the limit i know that it becomes harder and harder for me to let go and just be.
so what is really hard for me this morning is the notion of getting outside and taking care of my physical self. be that as it may, that is also a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, no not the reluctance to do, the fact that i am even considering doing it, anyhow off to the streets me and the dawg go, to work off the extra calories we have accumulated the past 24. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞