โซ i will remind myself that i am not alone by asking โซ
Posted: Tue, Nov 27, 2012 08:31:20 AM
the POWER that fuels my recovery for help each step of the way. yes, i forget that i have a THIRD STEP, that i have some FAITH and that this is not a journey i can undertake without the aid of a power greater than addiction. the feelings i have been dealing with over the past few days, or weeks as the case may be, is a case of selective amnesia. the reading this morning reminded me that yes i do have a new way of living, with gifts and responsibilities, and it is up to me to accept it, reject it or just get by. those choices are certainly the most obvious in a world with many shade of grey in between.
surrender and ask for help, not generally the path i choose, right off the bat. no i need to push and push and push, with manipulation and working in the shadows until i exhaust myself, and only then do i feel like i can surrender and get the gifts that come from allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me. as much as i would love to do nothing all day, every day, i accept the gift of employment as a responsibility and something that is certainly good for me in the long run. although it feels like self-will to be looking for a gig, when i have one, it is not me making the calls and as a result, i will continue to go with the flow.
as i look deeper and see what is going on inside me, i see it is resistance to what i most want. all of the lies, all of the justifications, all of the rebellion is because deep down inside, i want to continue to be the sh!t i have been for so long. yes the stinky old shoes metaphor does apply. they smell, they look bad, but man oh man, are they ever comfortable. defects of character, are similar in this respect and changing the man i am, is a process i have no power over and i get scared. seriously, what will things look like off, if i step off the cliff in an act of FAITH?
well i need to step off, grab a shower and get to work before i lose my momentum. it is a good day to be clean and even better day, to walk with just the tiniest bit of FAITH, all i have to do is let go and let…
surrender and ask for help, not generally the path i choose, right off the bat. no i need to push and push and push, with manipulation and working in the shadows until i exhaust myself, and only then do i feel like i can surrender and get the gifts that come from allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me. as much as i would love to do nothing all day, every day, i accept the gift of employment as a responsibility and something that is certainly good for me in the long run. although it feels like self-will to be looking for a gig, when i have one, it is not me making the calls and as a result, i will continue to go with the flow.
as i look deeper and see what is going on inside me, i see it is resistance to what i most want. all of the lies, all of the justifications, all of the rebellion is because deep down inside, i want to continue to be the sh!t i have been for so long. yes the stinky old shoes metaphor does apply. they smell, they look bad, but man oh man, are they ever comfortable. defects of character, are similar in this respect and changing the man i am, is a process i have no power over and i get scared. seriously, what will things look like off, if i step off the cliff in an act of FAITH?
well i need to step off, grab a shower and get to work before i lose my momentum. it is a good day to be clean and even better day, to walk with just the tiniest bit of FAITH, all i have to do is let go and let…
∞ DT ∞