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asking for help was not something i was hard-wired to do. in the culture that raised me to adulthood, strong people, especially men, never, ever showed any sign of weakness by asking for any sort of help. needless to say that when i went through the doors for the very first time, i already had a HUGE reservation about the program, as everyone that was already here, spoke of asking for help as a sign of strength and not weakness. i could use that reservation as an excuse why it took nine months to get clean after that first meeting and another eighteen months before i could finally admit that i was an addict and NEEDED a program of recovery, but that would be facile and more than a bit disingenuous. truth be told, letting go of what i thought a “real man” was and embracing the man i have become as a result of asking for help and freely giving it, when asked, was not something saw coming.
these days, when i need to do so, i can drop into the old model and be self-reliant, thinking that not only do i have to something myself, it is to my benefit to do so, as it will boost my self-esteem if i succeed. that pattern of behavior does not always cause pain, chaos and destruction in my spiritual life, but it does it often enough that i could think for a minute and ask myself am i willing to pay the consequences for being obtuse and willful? an identity based on what i was not, but believed myself to be, is tough to shake, even when the supporting lie has been abolished, decades of being in a space of being broken and needing to hide how broken i thought i was, are never erased and the permanence of those behaviors at times feel as if i will never overcome them and move along. the reality is, however, that not only can i step out beyond those limits, i can only do so with the help of my peers in recovery. just for today, i will ask for the help i need and even if it is not what i expect, do my best to be open-minded enough, to be willing, to accept that help and apply it in my life.

∞ DT ∞