Blog entry for:

so for those of you who know me well, yes there it is, the **G** word, right in the title. for those who do not, that is a leap of understanding and for me a final admission of my surrender to the 12 step recovery fellowship, that has given me this life. i go to only one, because i am not comfortable thinking that i am powerless over any sort of substance, and if the truth be told, i never was powerless over substances, the uncontrolled use of those substances was the indicator of a deeper and much darker problem: ADDICTION. res assured, that even in this forum i choose my words carefully and express myself as precisely as i can. others may be able to cross-fellowship and find what they need. others may be able to show up, every now and again and keep their clean time. others may be able to take in the whole enchilada of the HIGHER POWER concept offered up by the fellowship in very general terms. for me, however, i have to go to one fellowship, show up at meetings on a regular basis, and had to come to my own understanding of the whole notion of GOD. which reminds me of a story.
when i served in the armed forces and was attending school for my military trade, i ended-up helping a friend get through the school, by going back to the classroom three or four nights a week. with my help, he did pass the class high enough that he got to choose a decent billet. my rival for number one in the class, took great pleasure in telling me he would beat me out, even though i worked so hard to get my position as number one. he laughed because he was under the assumption that it was me who was doing the work to do well, instead of drinking every night, when in actuality, i did not need to study at all, and would have waxed him in any case. he assumed that because i was going to the classroom, i was doing it for myself, because he did not understand, that sometimes, when a friend asked, i could still give freely of my time and effort. he missed the larger picture because he was not capable of seeing anything but the competition to get the most desirable billet. looking back on my life, i believe that was probably the last time i did something for someone else, with no expectation of return.
one of the gifts of recovery, that i have becomes especially grateful for, is the desire to be able to give freely of my time and effort and not need some sort of return. just as i was tutor in that example above, so i can be tutored as well. this whole notion of GOD's will had been a thorn in my side from the very first time i saw STEP ELEVEN, and only now, and i finally coming to an accommodation of sorts, so that i cam[n allow myself to feel not only the presence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, but ITs will as well. by allowing myself to be tutored by me peers, including the recovery thieves that show up now and again, to tell us how great and good they are, i have learned that what i think it is, is unimportant., my job is the feel it and allow myself to be influenced by that feeling. that has been a long journey, and one that only occurred because i chose to try and abandon my bias and prejudice against all things from a very centrist Western spiritual tradition. i can see what that tradition has to offer and finally stop condemning it because of the misguided and evil-looking actions of some of those who ascribe to that spiritual life. i no longer need condemn my peers who follow that way, because it is not the way at fault, it is those who use that way for their extremist and hateful views and opinions.
ah, the diatribe ends here, as it is time to head on down to the office. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to seek to feel GOD'\'s will in my life.

∞ DT ∞