Blog entry for:

of elaborate lies to protect myself and others from seeing the true nature of the life i was living. there is a solution, and surrendering to the program that has given me this new life, means i no longer HAVE to try to control what others see and how they judge me. hiding the fact that i “might” from myself was as important as hiding from everyone else. coming to recovery did not immediately relieve me of my need to “look” better than i am feeling, but it did give me a path to become more honest about who and what i am.
for someone like me, what does it really mean to surrender my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER? this is the question i get a lot from those around me. many have said that they do not believe that i am a “godless heathen” even though the spiritual path i follow does not include any sort of Supreme Being. there may or may not be a pattern to the spiritual side of living, but i certainly am learning to feel which way i NEED to go. i am learning to make plans and set goals, set them in motion, do the footwork and then let go of the outcomes. which is sort of what the reading spoke to today. in my daily quiet time, what i “heard” was that whether or not the next job interview leads to a new position, i keep doing what i am doing to better my life. i may have a side job or two coming down the pike and i certainly have a full-time gig that consumes my daylight hours. i have more than one sponsee stuck on a step and i am ion the same boat. what is it about my life that is making me resist running it through the steps again,. it is true, i hate being powerless and even though i accept that as reality, i still cringe when i think about it. looking at how i walk my spiritual path and all of its various implications, is certainly a frightening prospect for me, as i have just become comfortable doing so, implementing this path, that is. is it really the will of some capricious universal plan, that what i have come to love and cherish is not the right path for me, and i need to lean back towards the West? the bigger question is why am i so adverse to allowing the process to reveal what it will. this is not the first time i have approached the steps and the notions of being powerless and surrendering my will and my life and yet here i sit, waiting for something to give me the impetus to move. as someone who does not look for “signs,” it is ironic that is exactly what i am looking for, some sort of signal that the time has come to make the decision to jump in and let go.
maybe that overt signal has come and go and i missed it in my delusion and illusion of the control i believe i have in my life. or maybe i am feeling it today, as i have been feeling it for quite some time, and i no longer have the willingness to avoid doing what i need to do. as interesting as all of this may be, i do have stuff to do and starting my mise en place for my Thanksgiving dish, is the next right thing to do. it is time to get off my butt and participating in the day at hand, rather than avoiding what i need and want to do by trying to win the next level in my silly computer game. and yes, maybe getting away will kick start my heart into moving forward with my steps.

∞ DT ∞