Blog entry for:

care for me and restore me to sanity? if so, i can live with all of ups and downs of life -- its disappointments, its sorrows, its wonders, and its joys. that is what it always comes down down to, DO I BELIEVE! once again, i am forced to take a look at who i am, and what i really think the gig is, including the POWER that is behind all that i am today. that is not necessarily a bad things, as the more often i take a critical look at my system of beliefs, the greater the depth of both my understanding and yes FAITH.
the old storyline is this, i came to recovery with what i believed to be some depth, that included a working knowledge about how things worked. the strength of those beliefs was put to the test early in recovery, when the cravings and the obsession were too much for me to bear any longer. after months of misery, i finally was bet up and beat down enough to accept that maybe, there was the ever so slightest probability that my belief system may be flawed and need just the smallest bit of revision, just a tweak or two and could be on my merry way.
well it has been over a decade, that belief structure has been demolished, rebuilt, remodeled, updated and is currently undergoing a daily spritz. i discovered, that what i believed was fatal for me, and IF i wanted something more and wanted to be someone who matters, than i needed to allow that structure to undergo the metamorphosis process and become what i needed it to become, to sustain this new way of living.
so back to the question at hand, do i believe? this morning i do! the preponderance of the evidence is that IF i allow it, i am given the power from that POWER, that i need to survive and even thrive in my daily life. IF i allow it, i can make better decision, saner decisions and decisions that expand the possibilities of what my life may look like tomorrow. those big IFs are where self-will meets the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and the battle field between the part of me that wants to recover and the [part of me that wants to use, duke it out. today, the part of me who digs this new way of living is running the show, but i am about to shower, shave and drive down to Denver, so i need to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to show me the way. have an excellent Wednesday, as i will certainly do my best to as well.

∞ DT ∞