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that are the result of living life on its own terms, are often enough to drive me to distraction. i want to believe that i have control over ALL areas of my life, but minute by minute, hour by hour, that belief is shattered into a million little pieces. as i sit here at work, considering the way my life is going today, and after not getting what i wanted last night during the waiver wire release in Fantasy Football, i feel that once again nothing is fVcked. the drive in this morning was uneventful, i do not have to sit next to the selfish pig that was here last week, and my desk is clean and ready to roll, other than someone leaving their garbage behind, which may very well be the aforementioned co-worker. in this slice of time, i am okay with what i have and where i am.
last night i got a lesson in what happens to me, when i allow someone to “eat my lunch.” i witnessed someone going ballistic because of the behavior of someone else. i saw what it was like to take poison and expect the other party to feel the pain, and as much as i wanted to laugh out loud, not at their reaction, but on my own realization of how ironic it was, i simply kept my thoughts to myself and let them spin to where they needed to go. i now have a bit of clarity about why i need to let shit go, especially when it is the behavior of someone else. it is true, i loath, passive-aggression, and the inability of the self-centered to see outside of their own fears and desires. i have been to both places and am well practiced at both of those behaviors. does their behavior truly alter the direction of my life? perhaps in the moment, but in the long run, when i carry their bullshit and rudeness with me, turning it over and over in my head and developing a martyrdom to them. i lose. there is not a whole lot in my life that i can control, so why give anyone the power to make me twist and turn, after the fact. i am, after all, all about retaining and using what little personal power i do have for my greater good.
as i prepare to knuckle down and test the living crap out of my work, i am grateful that i have a job, i have a home, i have a loving partner, i have good friends and i have an active program of recovery. life on this side of the lawn may not always be “yippy-skippy” and recovery may not always be easy, but they both beat the alternatives, just for today.

∞ DT ∞