Blog entry for:

great lengths to keep doing what i WANT to do, regardless of the consequences, is still a HUGE part of how i live, today. i guess i will start off with the **good** news, i did not exercise self-will and smoke that $3000 **Black and Mild** yesterday. that does not mean that i was not negotiating with the part of me i call addiction, for most of the day. yesterday i wrote that i considered that being a symptom of changing the way i was feeling. twenty-four hours later, i am not so sure about that conclusion. today i am more of the opinion that it is all about risk-taking and attempting to “get away with something,” by enjoying a cigar and passing my nicotine test, next week. in fact, one of the tactics i used was why smoke a cheap little cigar when i have a humidor full of tasty treats?
which brings me around to this whole notion of GOD's will versus self-will. i am not one of those who seeks signs of GOD working in my life, by interpreting the events that fill my day. if i was, i would say that my workplace instituting a “surcharge” for nicotine use was a definite sign that GOD wanted me to stop using nicotine. i see it for what it is, a company trying to reduce its insurance costs, by eliminating bad habits in their employees. it is no different than my company putting money into my health savings account, if i perform some simple tasks to improve my general health. they really do not care about me, for them it is all about their bottom line and the truth to the insurance actuaries is the fitter one is, the less one costs the insurance company. it is all about dollars and very little sense. even though i started my fitness program to get that $1000 or so, i continue to do that, long after i have met my goal, which generally happens within the first forty-five days of the year. if the company really wanted to encourage long-term fitness goals, rather than just enough to get by, they would keep pumping in the bucks to those who keep stepping up to be more fit. the sad fact is that the actuaries see that as a losing proposition, i am sure that their statistical analysis includes people such as myself, who take the money and because of the desirable results, continue on a road to getting and staying physically fit. in those cases any extra money they throw my way, is a loss to them. is GOD's will for me to keep doing the deed, day after day OR is that self-will?
i could go on and on, with example after example. certainly staying clean, is the BIGGEST one. i do ask for the power to stay clean, each and every day and the part of me i call addiction has come to terms with that, hence the whole nicotine gig, long after the physical part of that addiction has abated. it may just be self-will and greed that drives my annual nicotine fast, or it just might be GOD's will for me, i really cannot tell. what i am certain of today, is that if i CHOOSE to refrain, i will get the result i desire, a bigger paycheck. so as i prepare to leave the warmth and comfort of my home to go to my home group, i can be comfortable with the notion that IF i choose to do the next right thing, i am more than likely in the grace of a HIGHER POWER's will and not self-will, just for today.

∞ DT ∞