ฮฑ i took pains to maintain an illusion of control over my addiction and my life ฮฉ
Posted: Thu, Nov 23, 2006 07:53:49 AM
in the process, i kept myself from experiencing the serenity that comes with surrender to the will of a Higher Power.
although i very rarely see any serenity at all in surrender, at least before i surrender. i see others struggling to control their lives and their diseases, and wonder why oh will they not just give it up. but of course that does not apply to me, i am after all a bit different, well actually quite a bit different. and that is where i start to traipse down a path that i really do not want to travel down. in some respects i am different from those with whom i share my recovery, i used different drugs, i used them in different manners, i used differing amounts, for way longer than almost everyone else, and was brought to the rooms by forces way out of my control. so with all those differences i can really apply control to my life and leave the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN, available for those who need help from that source more than i do, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
such a silly, silly boy, all of that is just bullshit or for those of you who prefer a softer term sophistry. the truth is, i like to maintain the illusion of control in my own head and the façade of control to those who barely know me. i have discovered, when i read yet another reading about the wills in my life, that that illusion is so transparent that just about everyone sees right through it, and the only person who is taken in by the smoke and mirrors is me. so why would i expend all that energy trying to manipulate and control outcomes of processes that really are beyond my power? well for one it does distract me from the task at hand, progressing with my step work. most importantly however, what dropping all that energy into the black hole of uselessness separates me from the spiritual principle of FAITH and replaces FAITH with FEAR, and FEAR is the tool of the part of me i call my disease. so how does this addict move from FEAR to FAITH today? well for one i have just spent twenty minutes of my life writing about it, so it is in the front of my conscious mind. the next step is to just do the best i can to let go of my self-will, and allow my true will to align to the will of my HIGHER POWER, after all, more will be revealed.
although i very rarely see any serenity at all in surrender, at least before i surrender. i see others struggling to control their lives and their diseases, and wonder why oh will they not just give it up. but of course that does not apply to me, i am after all a bit different, well actually quite a bit different. and that is where i start to traipse down a path that i really do not want to travel down. in some respects i am different from those with whom i share my recovery, i used different drugs, i used them in different manners, i used differing amounts, for way longer than almost everyone else, and was brought to the rooms by forces way out of my control. so with all those differences i can really apply control to my life and leave the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN, available for those who need help from that source more than i do, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
such a silly, silly boy, all of that is just bullshit or for those of you who prefer a softer term sophistry. the truth is, i like to maintain the illusion of control in my own head and the façade of control to those who barely know me. i have discovered, when i read yet another reading about the wills in my life, that that illusion is so transparent that just about everyone sees right through it, and the only person who is taken in by the smoke and mirrors is me. so why would i expend all that energy trying to manipulate and control outcomes of processes that really are beyond my power? well for one it does distract me from the task at hand, progressing with my step work. most importantly however, what dropping all that energy into the black hole of uselessness separates me from the spiritual principle of FAITH and replaces FAITH with FEAR, and FEAR is the tool of the part of me i call my disease. so how does this addict move from FEAR to FAITH today? well for one i have just spent twenty minutes of my life writing about it, so it is in the front of my conscious mind. the next step is to just do the best i can to let go of my self-will, and allow my true will to align to the will of my HIGHER POWER, after all, more will be revealed.
∞ DT ∞