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surrendering to the will of the POWER that fuels my recover will bring. this morning as i prepare to catch up on the boatload of work i have piling up on my desktop, i am struck by the whole concept of surrender. in fact when i read that surrender can bring a gift of serenity to my life, i instantly wanted to rebel and the whole loophole gig started BUT, what about…
yes i still want what i want, when i want it. yes i still want ALL the gifts of recovery, but i want to do the minimum amount of work to make them happen. and yes, i still feel entitled to something more, after all, all those years of suffering at the hands of the part of me i call addiction entitles me to all of this, where is the freedom and the serenity and the balance i so desperately crave? the answer is in the very process, that i want to circumvent and shortcut. the steps, the steps, the steps. surrender cannot come from some sort of alien being possessing me, nor can it come from a sense of getting my due, or any of the uncountable ways and means, that the part of me i call addiction, wants to suggest. no for me, surrender can only come from a desire to want more, and finally stop fighting the process of recovery that i pay lip service to. this morning???????????
well right here and right now, i find myself wanting the gift of serenity and fighting myself over whether or not that gift is worth the price of just saying man i have had enough and letting go. you see, i realize that there is ALWAYS a price to pay for all my decisions and well as consequences that come from that decision. the price? surrendering my will, my life and my character defects into the POWER that fuels my recovery. the consequence? well according to the reading a the gift of serenity. sounds so simple, and yet, like the sponsee i have been corresponding with after his last relapse ended him up behind bars once again, i want to attach all kinds of terms and conditions to it. over-thinking and complicating things, is my MO, and although the simple act of surrender sounds great in theory, in practice, for this addict, it is far from easy. i had to fight for everything i got for so long and once i got it, if i let go even the littlest bit, it slipped away from me. those lessons and that way of life, is difficult to let go of, because when i got here, it was all i knew.
which quite neatly brings me back to earth and into the here and now. all of that was killing me bit, by bit, as i gave away all of that stuff i tried to cling so tightly to, and accumulated through deceit and manipulation. the lies i told myself, as i chipped away at my self-image and allowed the attitude of why bother to pervade my being, are too numerous to recount here. i what i do know today, is that by staying clean, and by doing my best to live a program i can be better than i was yesterday. on that note, i will accept what i am being given and move on, there is after all, work to be done, errands to be run and miles to go before i sleep. i can, at least right here and right now, unconditionally surrender and move on, but the real world awaits, the real test will be when i try and go forth into the madness that this day of shopping brings. not that i plan on hitting any store today, but i will have to deal with everyone else, who does have that plan in mind.

∞ DT ∞