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helps me to develop a life that is worth living, the trick HOWEVER, is for me to actually do so. okay so here is sit this morning, writing about a SECOND and THIRD STEP reading, when that is exactly where i am at in my step process -- transitioning from STEP TWO to STEP THREE.
as that is where i am, i can accurately report, that is where i am stuck. having received the strangest assignment ever from my sponsor, i am learning to do nothing a walk with FAITH into the STEP THREE. i am not used to what FEELS like enforced inaction, especially when it come to my program of recovery. i am used to doing nothing. because i am in rebellion. i am used to doing nothing, because i just do not want to. i am used to doing nothing, because i am afraid of the pain that i predict will be the result of action. constructively doing nothing, is however something i am NOT used to to doing.
so the reading was all the more poignant for me, as it provides clues about what I AM supposed to be doing at this juncture in my recovery journey. i am as the saying goes, right where i am supposed to be, learning to transition into a FAITH based program. or better put complete my transition, as this is just a continuation of a process that started all those days ago when i had no desire to actually stay clean, BUT staying clean was better than the alternative in my head, going to prison. that is old news, and i just bring it up to illustrate the point that my recovery has always been founded in FEAR and as i finally have grown up enough to feel, i can see that base NEEDS to change. so where in the world is a doubting Thomas like me, supposed to grow FAITH from. that seed, planted all those days ago, has landed in less that optimum growing conditions, while not dying off, has not flourished. the task as i see it right here and right now, is to create a more optimum environment for my FAITH to grow in. since i am clueless about how to do so, i guess i will have to rely on what i hear and FEEL to allow that environment to change as it needs to change. you know, do the footwork, let go of the results. so the footwork as i see it this morning is to stop questioning what looks and feels like direction from the POWER that fuels my recovery and implementing it instead. tough as it feels for me to do, it is what i FEEL is the correct path, at least right now.
on that note, time to take the dawg and myself out for a fitness walk, as i FEEL that is the next right thing to do as well this morning. i can and i will do my best to FEEL my way into the next right thing, even if it kills me!

∞ DT ∞