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that is worth living, is certainly worth developing. the reading suggests that the main vehicle for that development is to release my illusion of control and surrender my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER. nice work when you can get it, and i do not disagree with that course of action. the rub comes, however, when one is on a spiritual path such as mine, where the POWER that fuels my recovery does not fit in the definitions of what most of my peers see as GOD. so how do i reconcile one of the basic tenets of my recovery program, with the tenets of the spiritual path that i am walking these days?
for me, it has to go to definitions, after all GOD is GOD. i have to start at STEP ONE, and look at what happens when i think i have power over my addiction? the answer in my experience, is that my life goes from merely unmanageable to freaking outrageously so. i find myself scrambling to keep up, sprinting hither and thither, while juggling five balls in the air. i have to get to places, and i have to keep all those balls from hitting the ground, quite an image when one visualizes it. living that sort of life, even metaphorically, is exhausting and fraught with frustration and failure, and one might even call it insane, i certainly do. so what the fVck am i supposed to do? i have a spiritual path that does not have an active HIGHER POWER and yet i NEED a POWER outside of myself to provide me the power to stay clean, restore me to sanity and care for my will and my life. my solution has become the POWER that fuels my recovery. i meditate all the time, whether or not i hear ITs voice or not, i do not care, what i do hear is what i am feeling and where i need to go. i pray twice a day, but that is only to remind myself that i am the powerless one here and if i do not let that POWER care for my will and my life, no matter what that may look like in a practical sense, i am fVcked. i am not worried whether of not that POWER actually “loves” or ”cares” for me on a personal level and when i remove that necessity form the equation, i can reconcile what i see as the POWER that fuels my recovery with what my peers, call GOD. i have rejoined my peers on the path of recovery, i can share their common language and i need not make all sorts of twists or turns, nor do i need to translate everything they say, to fit what i feel.
the question than becomes, how do i know this works? if i see that POWER as not necessarily “loving” or ”caring;” how can i trust it to provide for my needs? that is where my FAITH comes in. i do not believe in FATE, DESTINY, MANNA FROM HEAVEN and i am okay with random events happening for absolutely no reason at all. the rational part of me, sees and accepts that without question. BUT, and yes it is a big one, events conspired to get me into the rooms, seemingly lined up to get me caught when i was fronting the program and to put me finally in a desperate place. as a result of that chain of unlikely coincidences, here i sit. in the past i assigned blame to GOD, for all of that and became certain that GOD's will for me was to stay clean, just for today. today, as in right here and right now, i can accept that it was either a fortunate chain of random disconnected events, or that some force was active in my life even then, and set into motion that chain of events. i can accept either possibility and since , at least in my mind, they may be equally likely, i can move along and walk in the FAITH that yes, for me, there is a POWER that fuels my recovery and that POWER provides me the opportunity to get all that i NEED and sometimes even some of what i want. on that tenet of my personal FAITH, i can successfully decide to surrender my will and my life into whatever the care of that POWER is, and have FAITH that everything will turn out, just the way it is supposed to. which right here and right now means that i need to get moving out into the real world and see what this day will bring. perhaps, i can help another see their way to clear to making this same decision.

∞ DT ∞