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my first priority!? once again, i could go on and on , about without recovery my life would be empty and without meaning; promising to do better to fit my life into recovery, and live in the here and now. 'nuff said, move along, this is not the blog you are looking for. the very fact that this topic comes up more than once a year is telling in and of itself. i have been around long enough to know that most of those who walk into the rooms do not stick around for years and decades. in fact most do not make it for 365.25 days in a row. as sad as that fact is, it is what it is, IF i chose to do so, i could certainly find other things to do with my time than this whole recovery gig, and that is what it is for me, the whole enchilada, meetings, sponsorship, literature, and service to my fellowship. today, i get the notion that my life is the consequence of living the program to the best of my ability, and as a peer did last night i want to earn a XX medallion. moving on to the next thing on my mind.
i thought Monday afternoon i would be completing my 11TH Step with my sponse and talking about this amazing process of moving on the rest of the week. due to circumstances beyond my control, that did not happen. once upon a time, i would have taken that as some sort of cosmic sign, that maybe i have not really completed what i was tasked to do. i honestly considered that possibility Monday and Tuesday nights in my 10TH Step, and came to the conclusion that it was just life. people get sick, and i need not attribute such events to an expression of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. in fact to do so, demonstrates how self-centered and egotistical i can be. more and more, i am starting to see, that what i think may be an expression of the will of that POWER, is simply the expression of living life as a human being. i am not prone to visions or hearing voices, so why do i still have the need to interpret chains of coincidental or even causative events as and expression of some divine providence? the answer goes back to human nature, random and uncorrelated events do not fit in the picture of the world i want to see. EVERYTHING must have a cause, and when that cause is not readily apparent, than there must be a unseen or divine explanation. i want to fit the world into nice neat categories so i can pretend that i have some power, some control and more importantly some understanding of what is going on around me. which of course brings me back to superstition.
do i believe that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery and provides spiritual abundance? YES I DO! do i believe that POWER is at work in my life allowing me the opportunities to be more than i ever was? maybe. do i believe that POWER arranges events and provides rewards based on my behavior? nope, not today. i have the life i have, because i GOT clean and lived the program. i did the writing. i went to the meetings. i serve my peers in the fellowship. i sponsor and work steps. i CHOOSE to do all of that, and the POWER that fuels my recovery, gives me the power to do so. it is only through that partnership, that this addict has any HOPE of staying clean another day, and being to ramble on tomorrow, in this very same space.
yes fitting my life into my recovery and placing my recovery above all else works for me. i get to have to say sayonara and head on down to work. when i get home tonight i will GET to once again, decide if this was worth it, and i certainly HOPE that is the case, as i certainly like all the gifts i have been given, the most important one of all: the chance to RECOVER, just for today.

∞ DT ∞