Blog entry for:

of living an active program of recovery, are what make it possible for me to have the full life i have been given in recovery. the story continues, on day seven of nicotine fast, i am finally reaching a point where the obsession is being muted and my desire not to use is taking over.allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to do for me, that which i have found impossible, is doing the trick, so a rousing rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus may be in order. from my head to my fingers, i have made it so! does that mean i am “cured” of my dependence on nicotine? well, just for today, i am and i can live with that. four minutes and twenty-two seconds of celebration for right now.
hours ago, when i started this exercise, after i fixed the error on my page, i was thinking about a conversation i had with one of my peers, as i left my home group, yesterday morning. he asked me how i was and i replied that i was “great.” in general, i rarely answer that question in that manner, as there is ALWAYS something in my life that is not to my liking. yesterday and today is no different. if i spent twenty seconds in consideration of “how i am,” i could find at least one and probably two or three things, that i would consider not to my liking. al.though that may be true, yesterday and today, those items are not on the top of my list, for whatever reason. perhaps it is the fitness bug that i have caught, or the lack of nicotine in my system, or my willingness to take care of what needs to be accomplished before my significant other returns. it does not matter, the fact of the matter is, today i am content and not dwelling in the everything is f*cked land. no the cynic has not gone on vacation and is not out to lunch. however, what i feel is more than a bit of HOPE that even though not every detail of my life is how i want it to be, it is certainly better than if, back in the day, i ended-up being too smart , too stubborn or just too f*cking different to “get” recovery.
what i am thinking now that i am getting trashed in fantasy football and the home team has won their third game in a row, is that i am still living in nothing is f*cked land. i could go down the path that i went with a peer and a friend on Wednesday night as he struggles to come to terms with his life and list off all the things that i DO have and how many of my DESIRES have been fulfilled, but to what end? i feel good today and it certainly could just be the endorphins talking. looking at what may have been, is an exercise in futility. i know that without recovery, i certainly would not be sitting here in my own house in front of my own computer, pounding out a missive to the netizens on my own website. i also know that i would not have had the conversation i had with my peers over the past few days, as i would have had nothing of value to offer, even though in my own mind i would have believed that my pearls of wisdom would have been priceless. just for today, i am willing to do whatever it takes to live a program of active recovery. the part of that i really do find attractive is, that when i am doing so, i need not make excuses, rationalize or justify my behaviors. as even the less than savory stuff i do, can be corrected by me taking responsibility and cleaning up my messes. with that in mind i am going to walk off the last two hundred and fifty steps i need for ten hours of active fitness and then who know, perhaps cry in my coffee about how terrible my life in fantasy football just happens to be today.

∞ DT ∞