Blog entry for:

so i do have to admit, that today, right here and right now that my life is quite a gift. that was the easy part, as all i have going right now, i way too much work, a chance at overtime and enough resources to have the sort of life i want to have, materially, emotionally, physically and most importantly spiritually. the foundation of this moment, is my recovery, i get that, i accept that, and as much as the part of me i call my disease wants to dismiss and minimize that fact, it is true. recovery is how i got there and is the only path for me staying here. that does of course, beg the question, of whether or not this is where i want to stay!
the snarky and subtle part of me, always find something wrong with what is happening, these days, the danger it tells me, is that success never lasts. the evidence is that sooner or later i will fVck this up and once again i will be scrambling for every penny i need just to survive. so why wait? while times are good and i have a bit of money, go ahead out and use like it was 1997!
as enticing as that sounds, i have the grace of an active program of recovery as well as the POWER that fuels that recovery, to counter those whispers with solid and sound arguments. not using when i was broke, allowed me to persevere and accept the opportunities that presented themselves when i finally surrendered. staying clean when i was lonely and horny allowed me to be ready when that person arrived to give her myself, just as i am in any given moment. living a program allowed me to walk through strong emotions and ask for help as i needed it.
all of that and so much more, is part of my life today, because i chose to put recovery first most of the time. okay, check your blood sugar, it has been pretty sweet up until now. no i am not going to put in a great big BUT, that negates all of that. nor am i about to insert a caveat that makes one wonder why i bother. what i am going to say as i wind own, is that BY doing this recovery gig to the best of my ability, as much as possible, i am gifted with another day without the desire, the obsession or compulsion to use. in the long run, that is what it always comes down to for me, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION! that is what makes life worth living these days. all the rest is certainly nice, and i would be lying if i said i am glad i have a warm house, a cute dog, a beautiful partner and a job that pays me what i am worth. to say otherwise would imply i am far more spiritual than i actually am, and these days as i get off my a$$ and start to write that FOURTH STEP, knowing who i am and what i am feeling is an important place to be. and i think that is exactly where i will stay, just for today.

∞ DT ∞