Blog entry for:

to justify all sorts of nonsense, has become my standard operating procedure, these days. i have not gone to the online noon meeting in weeks, and when i do attend, the first thing i check for is how many of my peers have shown up for the meeting. if the number does not meet the figure i desire, i quickly check-out and return to doing what i was doing before i clicked in to the meeting. i do not even bother generating an excuse for doing so, and yet there is a part of me that remembers that meeting got me through the early days of plague times and i do “owe” to myself and to those who do show up, to stick around. maybe today i will make that a priority, as one meeting a week is just not cutting it.
what has not changed is my commitment to my personal recovery program which drives my personal physical fitness program. of course “bragging” about how i run or meditate on a daily basis, does little to keep me clean. for me, doing is far more important than saying. i may still be uncovering the “real” me, but part of what i am finding, is that i am worth treating myself well, and doing what it takes to keep that as one of my priorities. part of treating myself well, is more than likely, bringing the online midday meeting back into my daily routine, at least on the days it meets.
as odd as it may sound, nothing else has popped off the stack this morning, except maybe respecting myself enough to keep from being used by those who are not what i may think they are. just because i am in recovery and have been for a few days in a row, does not make me a saint or any sort of spiritual guru. i still build a resentment or three, act-out in malice or spite and have the desire to burn everything to the ground. having finally reached a place of accommodation with what happened over the weekend, i realize that if i want to survive and yes thrive, i have to allow myself to do the next right thing with no expectation of any return. today, i think i will make that my recovery priority, do the next right thing and let the chips fall as they will.

∞ DT ∞