Blog entry for:

of excuses to justify my lack of desire to do the next right thing. what does that mean? well it means sometimes i would rather let a call from the phone line go to voice mail, rather than pick up. sometimes it means that i would rather sit at home and binge out on TV, rather than go to a meeting. and some of the time it means i will invent an excuse or two to get out of a service commitment. i am far from perfect, and in my experience, living a program is the most difficult task i have EVER undertaken. the day in and day out “grind” of doing the next right thing and putting my recovery before everything else, does get wearing on a soul, even a soul who quite completely understands what turning my back on the program would mean to him.
so i can hear the doubts rising now, how in the world could i know what would happen, if i have never tried walking away form the recovery life? well there are certainly a lot of things that have a nearly certain outcome, that i have yet to attempt, but that sort of argument is one i expect to come from the new power in the white house and not from me. the honest truth is, i do not know what would happen if i decided that i have had enough of living a program and it was time to return to being a member of the other 85%, or at least the lifestyle of that other 85%. oh sure, i have seen others in similar situations exercise that option and spin and burn at the bottom for many days before swallowing their pride and returning to the fold, as it were. those are the obvious cases. the ones that haunt me the most, are those that walk away and seem to be having quite normal lives, using like they were always a member of the other 85% and having a life that appears to be relatively free from the angst and drama that marked my using career. that is the pattern i choose to look at and not the former, BUT when i really look at their lives, i see that they really do not have what i want. for them, perhaps they are willing to settle for what they are getting, for me, well i have come to a place in my life, where i refuse to settle or to believe that this is as good as it gets.
that belief is founded on my experience, that when i take a “recovery” vacation, i get miserable. when i live a program, my life emotionally and mentally seems to be in balance and balance is what i am all about today. i can say this, if i ever get miserable in recovery, and i am not saying that day cannot come, i will be seeking the escape hatch. sure i get emotional, and the fellowship of which i am a part of, is full of drama, trauma and a revolving door, of those who will not surrender. the alternative, at least for me, is not nearly as attractive today, so i just stay.
recovery may not be the easier softer way, however, just for today, i can commit to doing whatever it takes to stay clean and live a program. which right here and right now, means to ease on down the road to work. they too have expectations of me, and it is my job to live up to them.

∞ DT ∞