Blog entry for:

everything else possible is quite a statement. for someone such as myself to buy the notion that living an active program of recovery, is what makes that statement true, at least for me, took a whole lot more than bumper stickers, platitudes and bot mots. when i got clean i heard the words and although most of my peers seemed to put those same words into action and live their lives under the aegis of an active program of recovery, many did not. what i observed as time went by was those who lived up to the ideals they espoused, at least to the best of their abilities, are still around today and those who did not, well i can only hope that they discovered another way to get what i have been given: a sane, sensible, and productive life. today, i have a HUGE decision to make and as hard as i try to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the answer, i still end up spinning.
yesterday, i received yet another letter form the man who was once my sponsor, finally replying to letters i sent him months ago and apologizing and justifying his treatment of me. it feels to me as if he is attempting to sweep all his actions between when those letters were sent, until i called him a “dickish asshole,” under the carpet and pretend that what happened did not. i do not think he is clever enough to be actually attempting to “gaslight” me, but i certainly feel that he is attempting to play his manipulative games by telling me what he thinks i want to hear. fortunately, at least for him although he may not realize it, i see through what he is trying to do and can empathize with his desperation. trust me, his current brand of insanity reeks of being desperate and of the fear that i too, will pitch him on the shit pile. and therein lies my dilemma.
i do not have the desire to abandon him, even though up until lately he has been lobbying hard for me to walk away, perhaps to fins the excuse to use. well, he did not need me to walk away, as he has already decided to “test those waters,” and now has very little clean time.
as an addict, even after a minute clean, my first take on difficult situations is a binary one. in this case it is either walk away or agree to be his sponsor. in reality, there are many variations between those two extremes. i can say right now i am unwilling to sponsor him any longer, but i do not want to abandon him, either. i am certainly leaning towards a “hybrid” of being a “closed mouth acquaintance,” as calling this relationship “friendship” is too much of a stretch even for someone as extreme as i can be. with that possible solution on the top of my mind, i think i will dress out and head out, into the windy early December morning, to take care of myself and give myself a chance to concentrate on being active, rather than being disrespected and hurt. i am certain that when i write the letter today, it will say exactly what it needs to say and no more. the receiving party may not “like” what it says, but that is a consequence he certainly had the opportunity to consider, a long time ago. just for today, i think i will commit to living my active program of recovery and leaving my garbage behind.

∞ DT ∞