Blog entry for:

untrue reasons for my behavior. the best example of this, just happens to be my old and very reliable standby of: ** See what you made me do!** as one who was well practiced in the art of using his blame-thrower, finding excuses, rationalizations and justifications for any and all of my less than stellar actions and behaviors was a skill i exercised with extreme prejudice. unfortunately that behavior did not vanish into the ether, the minute i got clean, or the nanosecond i accepted recovery into my life. a quarter century of active addiction and the proving ground of growing up hiding in the shadows took a bit of work and more than a long minute to be reduced to practically nil. it still amazes me, that when i take a man i sponsor through the steps, that they seem to choke on answering this question when they stumble upon it. more than once i have had to give examples of my own to unlock the vault that is hiding their shame and remorse.
this morning, as i sat and listened to the void, i remembered the fantasy world i created for myself, in active addiction, in mere abstinence and even in early recovery. i was always one who dwelled in the twilight between fact and fantasy, so coming to terms with what is real and what is my own invention, is a journey on which i am still embarked. i know what is real for me today and the most salient fact in my life, is that i am an addict and as such, i am subject to frequent flights of fantasy, to my own detriment. those flights are much shorter than back in the day and occur with decreasing frequency, as i live a program of active addiction, but they still exist and i have to remain aware that i am far from cured, in any sense of that word.
coming back to the here and now, i know it will take a minute to wrap my mind around work, after a week off. i certainly am willing to finish my latest task, post haste and get it ready to test before this sprint ends, which may mean a few extra hours today and tomorrow, to accomplish just that. in the mean time, i certainly “need” to get some steps under my new shoes. i also will need to go to the local big box discount club, to pick up some items for our household. as this day unfold, i will do my best to be awake and aware and if i find myself slipping from reality, remind myself that accepting “what is,” is so much better than being disappointed in the “what will never be,” just for today.

∞ DT ∞