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willing to accept the responsibilities involved in friendship? certainly an interesting question, and the premise on which this entire reading is based, what exactly are my responsibilities in maintaining a friendship?
i have always had trouble with relationships and being social, after all, if you allow yourself to be known, then there is an opportunity for others to stomp all over me and cause angst and pain. in that equation, long before i even used for the first time, i decided limiting the number of relationships was the only was i was ever going to survive in the dog eat dawg world i saw around me. life was easier in isolation and active addiction certainly drove that point home.
early recovery brought few changes, i was willing to make some acquaintances and maybe a friend or two, but anything more, no way, no how, it was better to be alone than to take that chance, especially since i was not really sure i was going to stay around, after all, i had using buddies to return to, and hanging with them whole having my bodily fluids monitored, i discovered was not a good idea, as it led to all sorts of untenable situation, such as buying drugs and being in the room all night while they were being used.
from the time i finally became a member until this last set of steps, i certainly improved the quantity of relationships i had, and i learned how to be more social. the number of those i felt like were my friends could probably still be counted on my fingers and toes and for the most part that is still true today. i am, however, friendly with a whole lot of people, and when i explained the difference between friend and acquaintances to a peer the other night, they looked at me as if i had given them the riddle of the Sphinx. their reaction got me pondering what it does mean to be a friend, now that i am inherently more comfortable with where i fit in, in the grander scheme of things. is it my job to tell an acquaintance that right here and right now, i find them less than desirable to be around? that certainly depends. for a friend, i would not hesitate, as i would owe and amends to them, if i chose to sullenly and suddenly withdraw from that sort of relationship. telling them that they have a booger or their fly is down, spiritually, literally and figuratively, is part of my responsibility as a friend. for an acquaintance, well there i get stuck in the shades of gray about what my responsibility in those relationships happens to be. if they ask, well then i have no choice i can be courteous and diplomatically honest about what i see and move along.
i can go on and on in this vein, what i OWE my friends, is not what i owe my acquaintances, but for an acquaintance to become a friend, i need to sort my way through the jungle of behaviors and actions that are no-brainers when it comes down to being a friend. it is true, that often i will find it difficult to be around someone, friend, acquaintance, peer, co-worker or passerby. many times it is just me, as i am the only constant in all of those relationships. generally, when it is me, i am having trouble in all of those areas and that sort of stuff is revealed in my daily inventory. of course that leads to the admission of wrong and the making of amends, when needed, as it is my friends i end up doing damage to. today i see that as part of my responsibility for being their friend, dang it all. recovery continues to teach me, that all my friendships need to be maintained, and my relationships with peers and acquaintances, can certainly become friendships or just stay frozen where they are. that choice is up to me, at least from my side, if i choose to take the responsibility to allow that deepening relationship to occur, just for today.

∞ DT ∞