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when my amends are not accepted, no matter how honest, sincere or humble i may be. when it is a friend or loved one, i have to admit, that reaction stings like a MoFo. my source material posits a few reasons why that may happen, but the real answer, IMHO, lies within me and my expectations. it is more than likely part of the human condition to have the desire to be forgiven for one's mistakes. it is certainly part of who i have always seemed to be, especially in active addiction. although i never made any attempt to correct of admit my mistakes, when i was using, i still wanted to be forgiven, when i got caught, as i dismantled my belief structure and starting working out a system of beliefs that is more flexible and fluid, i found my need to be forgiven seemed to be lurking in every corner of my remorse. that i can now look at my past and no longer suffer from morose remorse is because i have learned how to make mistakes and actually learn from them. that does not mean that i no longer live a life that would make the saints jealous, but i certainly am no longer plagued by the demons of the lies i told myself to stay sick and the consequences that arose out of that lifestyle.
as a sponsor, sometimes i wonder if the men who call me their sponsor are actually listening. i have one sponsee who generalizes everyone and everything into nice neat buckets of humanity. i know that the literature of the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, liberally use the first person plural form, when speaking in general about recovery and the path that my peers and i walk on a daily basis. the intent of the addicts that wrote that literature was to be inclusive and in that sense, i know i felt the literature was calling out to me, when i first got clean and every day since. when i share my experience strength and hope and venture into opinions about what my peers and i represent and how those who are not addicts interact with us, i speak for myself and am very meticulous in doing so. it may be a “we” program, but “i” recover. meetings, groups, and service bodies do not recover in any sense of the word, and if i cannot abide by the way the message of recovery is being carried, i can move on to another group or meeting. what i find though, when i let go of what i think i believe and listen, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel, i get a tidbit or three, out of my discomfort to carry forth into my daily life. the meetings i am most comfortable in, may just be an echo chamber of those who share a similar outlook and interpretation to what i may think i believe and are probably not helping me grow.
i have veered off the path is started on and i could insert a BIG BUT here. part of dismantling my belief structure and commencing on the journey to uncover a system of beliefs, is an amends i needed to make to myself and my fellowship. my rigid structure of beliefs, kept me sick, when i could have been enjoying the fruits of my new life. just for today, i will live in that amends process to myself and allow myself to see a point of view that as not how i think the world is structured. and yes the world is still round, no matter how many flat-earthers i may encounter today.

∞ DT ∞