Blog entry for:

especially with those with whom i am close, is far from perfect. as loathe as i am to own when i am wrong, i realize that as an addict who purports to live a program of active recovery, it is my only course of action. i could hem and haw, deflect and prevaricate, but in the end, i know that IF i want to stay clean and progress on my spiritual journey, i NEED to practice integrity in all my relationships, including those with whom i am friends.
today, after finding out that what was kept from me a year ago, was similar to the results i received on Friday and i need to stay on the course i am on . i also learned officially that my current job is extended until August 31st, even though i also knew that last week. all of my angst about both of those situations was not misplaced, just part of being me. something that did amaze me this morning, was when i read my entry from a year ago, speaking to the notion that somehow i needed the “permission” of others to be myself. ever since i blew my internal world up with my FOURTH and FIFTH STEPs i have been coming back to that them,e, time and again. my surprise is that has been a part of my life, the whole time the FOURTH STEP was working me over, as i paused on its threshold. today, more than ever, i want what i want and i want to be seen for who i am, warts and all.
there is one man who calls me his sponsor that i am beginning to see, may not really want what i have to offer, and i am merely a convenience for him, so he can say he has “worked steps with a sponsor.” in reality, i guess that he is not taking any of my resources, nor is he asking for anything i cannot give him, but i wonder if the time has come to cut ties with him and move on. that is not a decision that i need to make, any time soon, or perhaps ever. i know the reality, and he has to know the reality, so except for a fantasy that he may have concocted, i am not affected by his lack of commitment, nor do i take any responsibility for his lack of progress. by returning the power that i once thought i had, to him, i am freed from my burden of exorcising his demons. i will stay clean, even if he does not. i will progress in my recovery, even if he does not. when push comes to shove, i am okay with the way things are, just for today.
steeling myself for another three months of working the job i am quite unhappy in, is the next thing on my hit parade today. for the next few days, i will be working on a manual about how to do my job. i am not really about leaving that behind, nor am i concerned about the nicotine test i now will have to pass, in order to avoid the tobacco tax my company has in place. i am certain, that i can be okay in these uncertain times, as has been demonstrated time and again, all i have to do, is to stay awake, be present and do my best to live my program, including owning and amending my wrongs.

∞ DT ∞