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instead, i can make amends. yes i make mistakes. yes i make lots of them. and yes, i am willing to own my part in making mistakes in the relationships i have. so instead of being one of the choir and going on and on about making amends and the whole amends process as i see it, i do believe i will move on to something more pressing, namely the state of my relationships in my current phase of recovery.
the irony here, is that i am no longer content to be a passive partner in any of my relationships, and although that is a good thing for me, for many of my long term relationships it is quite a jolt. in fact it has been so jolting for some of those people, that they are surprised that i have seemed to have grown a backbone, and are started when i exercise my part in relationships. a quick aside, there has been more than a few apologies as i become more confidant in who i am, because i often cross the line from assertive to aggressive. i often say what is on my mind instead of giving the filters a minute or so to kick in and help me to craft a more diplomatic response. what surprises these partners the most, at least so it seems to me, is that i say anything at all. what they may interpret as disrespect is actually not disrespectful at all. it was my previous actions, based in my lack of self-respect, that were the actual acts of disrespect. i denied i had opinions and feelings, because i was not worth it, or because i felt i was wrong, after all, i did not have as many days clean as so and so, so i must be the person who is mistaken. well as those days move behind me into a memory. i can see where i am going, i am allowed to say no, as well as you mare entitled to your opinion, but here is what i think. the confusion starts in my head when i start thinking that somehow i am wrong to speak my mind, and the whole cascade of whether or not i am worth having an opinion begins once again. then of course, i FEEL like i need to make amends, rather than just an apology, as i have discovered it is not what i said that is wrong most of the time, it is how i said it.
anyhow, i am a work in progress, and as i become more certain of what i may know, i am sure i will come back to this issue again and again. it is time to get up and get moving, knowing full well that i have stuff to get done before i get to go to a meeting tonight. so i am off and walking.

∞ DT ∞