Blog entry for:

making simple, excuse free admissions of when i am wrong, is a task i attend to every day. the nice part of that persistent behavior, is i very rarely have to go back and make a formal amends.i am far from perfect and owning what i did or did not do, is not part of my **DNA.** i tend to be defensive, make excuses, rationalize, justify and when all else fails, blame it on addiction. progressing towards being a better person,at least for this addict, means taking responsibility for my part in my friendships. i could go on about how well i do or do not accomplish that, but this morning their is something else on my mind.
what came up last night as i did my 10TH STEP and popped off the top of the stack as i did my 11th this morning, was the fact that twice this week i was “given” permission from one of my peers, to have a HIGHER POWER of my own understanding. both of those addicts are of the “Christian persuasion” and both took great pride in the fact that they did not “judge” my choice of the spiritual path that has become part of my life. one did so directly and he is a man who calls me his sponsor. the second, shared that in a meeting after one of the men i sponsor, shared on his alliance with the POWER that fuels his recovery. i am sure that neither quite understood how insulting they were being and were actually believed they were being supportive of those who do not follow their particular spiritual path. i usually have a pretty thick skin when it comes to the nature of the POWER that fuels my recovery and personal relation ship with that POWER, but not yesterday and certainly not this morning.
i want to say, who the fVck are you to tell me that it is okay to exercise my right to have a HIGHER POWER of my own understanding? i neither require nor desire your condescending and belittling approval. i fought this demon for nearly fifteen years and in the end, had to surrender to the fact that the path i am on, is the best one for me. it is almost as if i was correct for all those years, that i NEED to conform when it comes to the nature of my understanding of a POWER greater than myself and perhaps it is because of that struggle that i took such a strong exception to what may seem innocuous and perhaps even supportive statements.
moving forward, i think i will take a walk, clear my head a little bit and see if i can find some balance in my life by forgiving those who have crossed one of those secret and invisible boundaries that i have set. i am more than certain that neither one of them meant to be degrading, condescending or insulting. i am more than certain that i do not have to confront them about what they said, but it may pop-up in my share at a meeting today, if i choose to share, at all. it is a good day to let go of my anger and learn to forgive, rather than hold my breath for someone to do the next right thing, as i am more than certain they are clueless about how i “heard” what they meant to be loving, kind and inclusive. i have four and a half miles to get my head on straight, just for today.

∞ DT ∞