Blog entry for:

-- keeping it simple! oh how wonderful would it be to say that i NEVER have to make amends to my friends and that i am always to disagree with them, without being disagreeable. and the i wake up, smell the coffee and see that as the ideal i will probably never achieve, no matter how many steps i work. how long i stay clean for or how “spiritual” i get.
after a quick trip through fat-finger land i am back
the problem with keeping things simple, especially when it comes to owning my wrongs with friends and loved ones, is that i have a tendency and a desire to minimize my behavior and the damage it causes by rationalizing my deeds and blaming my “victims.” these are the behaviors that served me well across the course of my active addiction. they bolstered my self-esteem and helped feed the lie that i was broken and needed to hide who i was and how broken i was from everyone in the world. rationalizing and blaming, aided me in that struggle, because when i succeeded in deflecting my responsibility i felt “good.”
this morning, i know i can be myself, say what bis on my mind and if someone does lacks the desire to hear what i have to say, i can walk away without getting them to see m,y point of view. i know that there are resources some of those who are in my life, want from me, but will not request them from me. i could offer, BUT i am better than that and no longer need to play the co-dependent enabling game with anyone who has decided that what they are unwilling to do is something they cannot do. i CHOOSE to extend myself beyond what i believe i can do, because that is the only way i know i can grow. driving fifteen-hundred miles in four days, is one of those limits i used to put on myself, to provide myself justification for not seeing my family in Montana. the day may come when i cannot make that drive, or that it will have to stretch out over more days, BUT it is important to me, that i continue to make the effort.
speaking of making the effort, it is time to head on out to enjoy a sweat-filled, breathless activity. it has been six days since i ran last, as life has interfered with my training schedule. it was not that i could not, it was that i did not, by my own choice. when i say i am not going to allow myself to age the way i see others in my family aging, i am deadly serious. when i say that my amends to myself is behaving my way into better fitness, it is not a joke. my life is too short to create any more regrets and what i have the ability to achieve, i will, just for today.

∞ DT ∞