Blog entry for:

just as it is, by placing a little bit of FAITH, that things are how they are supposed to be. got to say this right off and without any qualification, i am not a believer in **divine** plans or **mysterious** ways. i am a believer, however in action and consequences, and even if those consequences are not readily apparent to me, at the time of those actions, it does not remove cause from effect. on top of that there are billions of human beings, acting and causing effects, which may or may not affect me, just because i do not see that the actions of someone in Washington DC has any impact on my life, does not mean that there is no impact. no this will not turn into a screed about the actions that went down yesterday, even though i have a very strong opinion in the matter. because why should i waste my time and energy on looking outside of myself for affirmation, validation and acceptance🙻 which were the very question i asked a man who calls me his sponsor, yesterday as we sat and talked about his life and is recovery journey.
my answer this morning to that question, is that i really do not NEED to, but i have a strong DESIRE to do so, because i am unwilling or incapable of providing that myself, 100% of the time. i am certainly better than i used to be, and it is my FAITH in the recovery program that has brought me this far that keeps me continuing my journey towards making that 100% of the time. i think that DESIRE is a human desire that addiction warped out of shape in me, making it by the far the largest part of why i did what i did. learning how to respond to my feelings, good, bad and indifferent, is certainly a task that has been a long time in being completed. it is true that i wnet through the fist=rt forty years of my life, getting my ass into this sling, and just for today, i can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. i may still be the person i always was, but i choose to act differently today, including taking the judgement out of what i am feeling and allowing myself to see the good within me, instead of looking for the bad. what i heard today, was that the balance i am finding, as a result of living a program of recovery, is the consequence i have always been seeking and that yes, i can be okay, with how i am, right here and right now, thanks to the FAITH i place in the POWER that fuels my recovery and the opportunities that i receive on a daily basis. so it is off to Boulder to get out and about and end my week correctly.

∞ DT ∞