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sadness, anger, frustration -- OH MY! maybe not the five horsemen of the apocalypse for the rest of the world, but for me, certainly a setup for what might be a perfect storm to contemplate whether or not this recovery gig is paying off. this morning, although i am not feeling any of those, i am certainly not “on top of the world, ma.” my plan was to get up, do my morning recovery routine and head out to the Rec Center before breakfast. instead, i talked myself out of that early push and back into my routine, justifying that decision by telling myself it was too dark and too cold. seriously, what do i expect at five o'clock on a mid-February morning? there is no harm and certainly no foul here, but it is a reflection on my emotional state that i am not quite sure how to interpret. the bonus here, is that i do not need to figure out the whys and wherefores, it simply is what is, and after i get this ditty posted to the interwebs i will be making that drive to workout.
there are more than a few things that i find uncomfortable in my life today, among them is my frustration with the growing sense of entitlement a self-induced invalid is beginning to act upon. this is not new and the lack of sincerity they have when they attempt to express their gratitude certainly gall the living shit out of me. the fact that they demand i show up rather than ask IF i can show up for them, was the cherry on top, yesterday afternoon. i am not good at keeping my mouth shut when i am being taken for granted, but at least they make it easy as they cannot even be bothered to mute their TV when i walk in the door. i have lived a life in self-centered obsession with my needs and desires, so i am not very good at enabling someone else to draw me into their version of that sort of life. today as i am trekking around the indoor track i will consider my next response and what the next right thing to do, in this case.
an outage at work momentarily distracted me and now that bi have correctly diagnosed the problem and sent it off to my lead, i can get back to this exercise. i have felt as if i was on thin ice at work and yesterday's one-on-one with my boss did little to assure me that i was not. i certainly have not be as diligent about spending the hours pounding out the hits, so a quick win this morning was not a bad thing. the next right thing is to get my ass out the door and moving along an indoor track, before the day grows any later and anything else “pops-up.” it is a good day to be clean and it is certainly a good day to look at what i am feeling, allow myself to feel it and move on. as i am fond of saying, i have not yet died from a feeling.

∞ DT ∞