Blog entry for:

comfortable or painful, have yet to kill me and yet like many of my peers, i do what i can to enhance those that are comfortable and avoid those that are when darkness comes and pain is all around, i forget that simple fact and run for the quickest and simplest **fix** to get out of what i am feeling. part of the problem,. at least for me, is that i have been taught that certain feelings are “bad” or negative and that i SHOULD do whatever possible to avoid them or if that fails, change them. learning how to live though them is a skill i have only learned since i got clean and accepted the program as what my life needs to be based upon.
my question may be, where in the world i got the notion that feelings were “good” or “bad.” the story i tell myself in this regard, is that culture and my upbringing created that notion and that in active addiction i was rewarded every single time i avoided a “bad” or enhanced a “good” one. i took responsibility about what i was feeling and believed i had my feelings under “control.” as nice as as comforting as that may sound, the truth is i NEVER had my feelings under control and for the most part, i am powerless about what i feel and when i feel it. even if i am powerless about what and when i feel something, my tendency is to run with that and abrogate my responsibility about how i act, when i feel something uncomfortable. it is true i absolutely adore finding the ways and means to deny my responsibility in a whole lot of things and feelings are certainly a great place to start. when i hear that story, as i often do, what i have uncovered is that i NEED to breathe and ask myself whether or not i can survive it. the answer is always an unqualified yes. from that point forward i can choose to allow that feeling to color my behaviors and make the rest of the world miserable, or i can just tolerate and yes accept it, leaving the rest of the world out of that silly equation.
moving on, once again i heard another addict sharing about the, last night. while they did not go into detail, i could tell that they thought it was the greatest idea since sliced bread. i could get into a whole critical thinking bit about this idea and how dangerous i think it is, but today i will leave it sit. what scares me, is what happens when it does not work out and the very things they are trying to avoid, come home to roost, as it were? i now that when i live a life without expectations, and i do every now and again, i need not worry about the outcomes of my plans. they will work out as they are supposed to work out, all i have to do is the footwork to make it happen. i do not have to send out positive or optimistic energy in order for those plans to work out as i desire. in fact when i let go of what i desire and live in the here and now, i have the FAITH that i will get what i need, and that FAITH has yet to fail me. i am okay with not knowing and not trying to influence and control the outcomes, once i get past desire and expectations. that list bit is the hardest task for me, so i could see where the Law of Attraction would be very attractive to me, just as Stuart Smalley does, all i have to do is think good thoughts, have a positive attitude and <BOOM> all my dreams will come true. nice work when i can get it!
so enough of my little trip into philosophy this morning. the cold hard facts is that i have feelings and not all of them are comfortable ones. accepting that as fact and living a program of recovery, will not change that fact, but it does give me a space in which to live and accept it.

∞ DT ∞