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i am learning to trust that i can survive what each day brings. it is true, that i have never dies from a feeling, and i have yet to see anyone else die from a feeling. unfortunately i have seen others die from their reaction to a feeling , their desire to suppress a feeling, or their inability to just feel a feeling. in other words, it is not the feeling that is dangerous to me, as a human being, rather it is how i handle a feeling where the danger lies.
i was at a meeting last night where there were members both with time and brand new, for which this whole topic was germane. what i **heard** was how terrible life was for them, and **how** unsuccessful they were at trying to change the way they were feeling, because feeling sad, or frustrated or something was not part of their plan; and how no one was playing along with them. i know that game, and i know that well, but the result of this last growth spurt and the issues i have been going through have taught me, that i am truly without power over other people, as well as without any power over my feelings. well the latter statement is only part way true, i DO HAVE THE ABILITY to change my feelings, after all a preemptive dive into my familiar pharmacopoeia is always an option, regardless of what anyone else may say.
so the reading this morning, while reminding of the inconvenient feelings i have been having, also strengthens my resolve to let go of my garbage. yes i was ready to pop off at one of the members who believes that they have time, even though they are only six months back from a relapse. what that member does not get, is what they had done in the past was inadequate, and trying to create a program based on their past, instead of letting go and allowing something different to grow, will probably lead to the same results. how do i know this? well, it has been my experience, that if i believe that i have some issue or feeling or behavior conquered merely because i have managed to do so in my past, i am deluding myself, and on my way down the path to using again. it is insanity for me to believe that i can do this by myself, much less live on the program i practiced yesterday. people change, i change, and the world changes, all of this happens in real-time. i can accept this inconvenient truth and alter my perceptions of what i want and need as a result, or i can continue to struggle in the insanity of control and power. i am better than that today, and as i told the woman i love yesterday, i am too healthy to live in some of my past relationships. i have grown, my needs have changed, and those who will not or can not acknowledge that reality will unfortunately be left behind. how does that statement make me feel, more than a bit sad, but life is like that, as i evolve into the person i was always meant to be, it is always my hope, that those whom i love and care for, will also make the adjustments to that man. the real world **truth**, however is that may or may not happen, and i can accept that as fact and let go, or i can continue to twist in my circular logic, chasing my tail like a dog. what happen if i actually catch my tail? like the dog, i will certainly yelp in pain, and perhaps learn that is not something that needs to be repeated.
so yes, feelings suck, there is no justice in the world, and worst of all i have very little actual power over anything. but in the long run, regardless of all of that i can recover, i can grow, and i will be more tomorrow that i am today, that is the promise of freedom from active addiction, and that is the hope i will walk into this day with, at least right here and right now.
so off to hit the streets and take off the extra calories this chocalte holiday added to my diet.

∞ DT ∞