Blog entry for:

all those feelings i once avoided with anything at hand. yes, i replaced the word drugs with a much more generic term. t5he fact is, even after getting clean, there are times i use something else to avoid feeling what i am feeling. where is the hope, that even after a few trips through the steps and some days in a row clean, i still feel at times unable to face my feelings? well i guess that is where we will be going from here!
i love to fall back on the lame excuse that i used for 235 years, and spent those years learning how NOT to feel, so how could anyone expect me to ever be able to face any feelings. i SHOULD be GRATEFUL FOR THE FEELINGS I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL AND KEEP ON WORKING ON THE REST. that goes part way, but is far from adequate anymore. that is part of the trap of recovery, what i once could tolerate and even accept in myself, is no longer acceptable and i want change. there is, however a re,ward, WHEN i let go and feel what i NEED to feel, no matter what, i LEARN how to be that much more human. that process, becoming human, is a state i do desire these days and i only know of one way for me to GET there. after the past few weeks of dealing with feelings, especially anger and frustration, i can see that i can feel those feelings, act appropriately in some situation and <GASP> clean up my messes when i react instead of allowing the feeling just to be. truthfully, as justified as my feeling may have been, i HATE cleaning up the spew from my actions and reactions.
i can also see, avoiding my feelings is denying my FAITH in this humanizing process. although i am not one of those pre-destiny kind of people who believes that i will be rewarded eternally after this physical life passes, i do believe that when i learn how to feel and act appropriately to those feelings i do get rewarded, i get another day clean, i get the feeling of relief that i have survived another feeling and i know that BECAUSE of that experie3nce, i will be better able to face life on its own terms., that is where my FAITH is put and that is the HOPE. i may be far from perfect, but i am better than i was, and i CAN be even better tomorrow if i keep doing what i have been doing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞