Blog entry for:

my feelings instead of simply acknowledging that those feelings are painful. there are days when i find all that happens, exactly to my liking. recovery is certainly easy on those days, and like some of my peers, i could attribute those days to a loving, kind and benevolent GOD. there are days when everything goes wrong, from the tiniest of things to the ginormous, on those days i could hear myself wailing about the unfairness of it all, and wonder if i am being tested or punished by a capricious GOD, top see if i am worthy to have my next “good day.”
that sort of pendulum swing of a POWER that is the root and the source of my recovery, is not a healthy one for me. part of the reason i have moved away from attributing human characteristics to my vision of a HIGHER POWER, is to remove that sort of thought process from my head.
LIFE IS.
now there are days when i think life is great, just because nothing unpleasant happens and almost everything goes my way. that is me, casting a value judgement on the events, in toto, of that day. those days are mostly a product of me, staying clean, being present for what is happening and living an active program of recovery, not just paying lip service to those values. those days also occurred when i was in active addiction, as well in my darkest times in recovery, and in both of those instances, i missed them. the former because i was too busy trying to score my next set of feelings and the latter because i was self-obsessed and self-absorbed trying to look like a spiritual and recovery guru, to enjoy what was happening in the here and now.
there are also days when everything is wrong, disaster after disaster pile upon my plate and i want just want to crawl back into bed and get away from it all. those days also occurred in my active using and early recovery, and in both of those cases, my coping mechanism was to find something to change the way i was feeling, and BOOM a bad day was not nearly so bad.
today? well today, most days are a mixed lot, and it is what i do with the experiences that matters. when i detached from needing to put a value judgement on everything that happened and everything that i felt, most days just are, and life is much easier for me. i know that today, regardless of what may or may not happen, that my FAITH in the program and the direction i am going, will keep me clean. i know that i am not part of some cosmic practical joke and there are probably not higher powers of any sort, wagering on whether or not i will survive the test that are put in front of me. chances are i am not a rat in some maze, running for my next food pellet, drink of water or electrical shock, and to believe any variant of that, is an abhorrent notion to me. my idea of a HIGHER POWER may not include benevolence, but it certainly does not include malevolence either. so with that in mind, i will start the process to get to work and earn my daily keep. it is a good day to be clean and perhaps it will be a day when much more will be revealed.

∞ DT ∞