Blog entry for:

is not something i have to struggle with, most of the time. my life may be far from perfect, i may feel frustrated, **put-out,** or even overwhelmed, by what my life looks like today, it is what it is. the notion of putting my feelings into a bucket based on whether or not they are **pleasant** to me, smacks of walking in self-will. i understand why i might want to do such a thing and i am of the opinion that i was cultured into the notion that i have to be “happy” or at least content, every waking moment of my day. the fact of my life these days, is that i am neither happy nor content 24/7 and when i consider my past, i never have been. i know that one of my “inalienable” rights as a human being, is the PURSUIT of happiness, no one ever guaranteed that i would be able to reach that goal. that does not mean that i have to settle for not being happy or content.
okay back at this. before i further my reputation of being a Gloomy Gus or far too serious, i can safely say that i do not dwell in the house of pain. life on two legs is not that bad today, even if i am not running around with an ear-to-ear grin on my face every second of the day. part of what i liked about getting high, especially with some of the substances i used, was that very effect, grinning ear-to-ear for so long my cheeks would start to ache. many who see me in the rooms, seem to think i cultivate an image that aloof, dark and mysterious. that brings a smile to my face, as i am just a social retard and still learning art of being part of a group, rather than just a tourist. those who know me, or take the time to get to know me, can see that persona is just my shield against the world i was taught to regard with trepidation and fear. as i stay clean and work some more steps, i am seeing that the world can be a spooky place, but i do not have to fall into thew trap of steeling myself against all comers.
with that notion in mind, it is time to traipse off to the store to get lunch stuff for the week. you know what, right here and right now i am a happy camper, and although i am not in a state of “perma-grin” i am content with my life as i GET to plan for trips with my loved ones and my friends and know that worrying about what may come, is not a place i need to be today.

∞ DT ∞