Blog entry for:

NEED to run from my feelings, even the uncomfortable or painful ones. just a HUGE caveat here, when i say painful or uncomfortable feelings, i mean what some of my peers call **negative** feelings. i, for one, am learning to stop attaching a value judgement to any of my feelings, and as the reading implies, just accept that they are just feelings. that being said, i can now do a dive down into what came to me, in the brief period i could hear the void this morning.
so i lost my train of thought as i was multi-tasking…
ah, i remember now, i was thinking about a conversation i had after the meeting last night. what we talked about was how does one deal with feelings of betrayal and disrespect and not chase someone off. disrespect and betrayal are certainly two feelings that are painful and uncomfortable to me. not generally feelings i would use over, but they are certainly feelings that i would choose to retaliate on. the whole notion of “apparently, you do not know who the fVck i am,” comes into play and <BOOM> i want to pound someone into dust.
i want to be all kind and loving, a spiritual guru of sorts, radiating peace serenity and wisdom. when i feel disrespected, i am living in the world of unmet expectations. since i have this self-image of what i want the world to see, and when i do not get the reaction i expect, anger ramps up and i want to go to that place of showing someone, what is what.
this is not all that different than when i hear those on the edge, whining about “being judged by those people.” over and over again, when i was on the edge, looking in, i had a million reasons, why this program would never work for me. among them was my differences outweighed the similarities and that my life, while using and while abstinent, did not have room for everything that an active program of recovery entailed. “those people” just did not get me, so fVck them all.
this morning, in the cold and harsh light of dawn, i can look back and see what a freak and fool i was. what i was looking for was a loophole, a way out and try as i might i could not find one i was willing to dive through. when i could medicate away the feelings of insecurity and the pain of life on life's terms, life was good, at least in the sense that i had the means to escape my reality. staying clean, living a program of active recovery means that i had to come to terms with the notion that not everybody sees me in the manner i want to be seen. i am not being disrespected when they fail to do so, i am just pandering to my FEAR of being less than. “those people,” are my peeps and once i came to that place of understanding, i realized that they were here to help me deal with what lkife threw at me, on what feels like a daily basis, including inconvenient and unpleasant feelings. the best part is, that when i choose to, i can live in the reality of what is and stop playing the game of changing my perception of what is not.
life happens. feelings happen. i am mostly powerless over both of those facts and when i let go and accept, i am a better person and can project the sort of image that i want to, as it is who i really am, instead of the façade of what i am not, just for today.

∞ DT ∞