Blog entry for:

not the message, my dyslexic reading of STEP TWELVE caused me all sorts of angst and turmoil, for far too long in my recovery journey.
of all the lessons that have been hammered home to me, across the course of my recovery, the one that was the most painful and yes the hardest to accept, was that if i applied enough of myself, gave of myself enough and spent enough of my resources, i could somehow “save” the recalcitrant addict from relapse. as ridiculous as that may sound today, once upon a time not all that long ago, i seemed to believe i was much more powerful than i really was, and boy was i pissed off when reality reared its ugly head. this was once the clean date of one of those addicts. i would like to think, that he really did want recovery and that he was sincere in his journey to relapse. unlike some of his family members, i had FAITH in him, right up to the time he disappeared into doing what an addict always does: using, ducking and running. i can say i never thought i had any power over this particular addict, but i certainly plowed a boatload of resources into helping him get and stay clean. looking back on what i was willing to give and what my expectations were, i can see that i there was more than a little fantasy and wishful thinking there. i certainly hope that one day, he decides that maybe, living life in active addiction is not the path for him, or perhaps he already has. because i am of the belief that NO ADDICT need ever die…
these days, i still slip back into a similar pattern, as evidenced by the txt i sent a friend and sponsee yesterday afternoon, stating i was glad to discover “his fingers and his phone were working.” i had to apologize for being passive-aggressive, as i was implying that he needs to be reaching out more, to me and his other friends. instead of admitting i missed him and got concerned when he did not contact me, i had to be flip and sarcastic. that little piece slipped off my TENTH STEP last night, but was smack dab on my mind after my ELEVENTH this morning. i really hate to admit when i am wrong, but i cannot carry the weight of that stuff for very long these days. as i walked the walk this morning with the dawg, i thought about my history with how i carried addicts and instead of the message and i saw that for the most part, that behavior has been banished. i wish i could say that it only took a single example for me to learn, but i am mule-headed and stubborn. a whole lot of thinking that “know something” about others and addiction, still creeps in, more often than i want to own. as i was sitting of Friday with one of the men i sponsor, i heard him telling me stuff i already knew about him. i wonder if he will be one of those that can make it, once he gets “out and about.” that little bit of wonderment, does not mean i will stoop giving him my Experience, Strength and Hope, but it does mean that i will lower my expectations a little bit and raise my HOPE a little bit more to offset that. even if carrying the message as part of my service to the fellowship does not bear the fruits i desire, i think that just for today, i will keep doing it. after all i might just be the one that gets the newcomer to keep coming back.

∞ DT ∞